Lessons from a Fuel Queue

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I stared out idly from the creaky taxi-cab, watching the stretch of tired cars strewn carelessly within miles of any fuel station. I gave a resigned sigh at this recurrent image in our national kaleidoscope, and reached for my headphones to escape into the therapy of the Cranberries. The driver’s angry grumbles halted me.

He was demonstrating wildly as we sauntered three blocks past the junction I had told him I would stop at. “Why you tell me say na for ICPC u go stop! I no dey go again! Listen oga, after this junction, i swear I go park here and u must pay me my moni!”. Ordinarily, I would flare, but his reddened eyes testified to the agonizing hours he had spent waiting for the smug fuel sellers to rouse themselves for pre-dawn sales. Eventually, when it got to his turn, he would only be able to afford half-tank, and now, the half tank is dwindling, and the day’s bottom-line has not been nearly met. Plus, it’s a Friday!

I calmed him, and agreed to give an extra 200 bucks for the excess journey. His expression changed instantly “haba oga no be say i wicked o, na this country dey cause am o...” and he went into an animated comparative ramble on democracy and military rule.  I tuned off.  When I alighted, I watched him struggle with more guilt-ridden half apologies. I waved them off with a smile, it wasn’t his fault.

That was when it struck me that the Fuel crisis creates a perfect metaphor for our country, and its citizens. It demarcates us all into the typical classes we struggle in, everyday.  Here goes:

1.    The Black Market Sellers:

In our everyday life, these represent the Contract chasers; those half-schooled charlatans that benefit from loopholes in the system. They are products of illegality and expertly navigate past every statutory/regulatory structure to win deals. Of course, lacking the abilities to do anything with the technical contracts, they outsource them via auction-type arrangements. Once they espy another poor consultant frustrated by the dearth of due process, they swoop on him, wielding their siphons, then rush off to another victim, gloating at the huge payoff, while the consultant is tortured to merely meet the project deliverables, all hopes of possible profit having died after the 70% compulsory fee demanded by the jobbers.

2.    The Fuel Attendants:

These represent the junior officers in public service. They mill around the offices idly, and their workday fritters to a regular uneventful end. Visitors walk past them every day without the least recognition of their presence. They could be naked, or dressed in rags, nobody notices. They are that insignificant. But in times of crisis, when the gates are closed on all callers and the big oga doesn’t want to see anybody that is not on appointment; they suddenly become relevant. You then find their hitherto humble demeanours give way to grandiose scowls. They take forever to produce the visitors’ form; shuffle into the building and emerge hours later to inform you that oga cannot see you now. Desperate, you beg and supplicate; you remember to line their palms with currency notes which they take without thanks, casting a quick eye to measure the quantum. Beautiful girls happily avail them their phone numbers, and smartly dressed gents obsequiously croon “mummy” “big daddy”. And they are ruthless. You are briskly marched out by the security if you try to claim right.  They know that when the system reverses itself, they would be forced back into the ignominy of anonymity. But, in the meantime, they rule.

3.    The Motorists who don’t queue but bribe their way in:

These are the VIPs. No, they are not the politicians. They are the private-sector rich. They don’t have time to queue for due process; time is money. In fact, they appear to enjoy a crisis, because it is only in such deteriorated situations that the fine line that distinguishes them from the proletariats is made evident. Willingly, they pay more for less, and emerge, looking busy and snorting at these other fools who don’t understand the value of time. Their wealth isolates them from the ugliness of the country, and they lead merry, cheery lives in the midst of the rot. A unique breed of ostriches, they bury their heads in gold. They are the biggest suckers, because they have the means to drive change, but do not see it.

4.    The Motorists who queue and grumble:

This is the VON. (Very Ordinary Nigerian). Pummelled on all sides by bad policy; he suffers all the consequent impact, and bears the highest stress levels. They shove and snap at themselves, irritated by the unsavoury mirror images they represent for each other. They stare wistfully at the VIPs and dream of rising to a level where they can pay their way past ‘minor inconveniences.’ They despise other members of their large community and yell: “if body dey pain you; why u no go pay 500 Naira to avoid queue!” They foster a sense of abject powerlessness, and offer their willing backs to the buffets of the big system..

5.    The Pipeline Vandals/Hoarders of Fuel:

Perennially faceless. You hear of them and their actions generate a harsh domino effect on the rest of society, but they are never caught. They run the system...they are the government. 

The Legal Arguments against Friday Beer

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When women post gleeful smileys of TGIF, I wonder where their excitements lie. Surely, the prospect of merely retiring to a lengthy warm bath and heavy dinner is not that groundbreaking; especially, when their significant dudes are happily away to some remote joint, drinking beer and making merry. Slowly, I have come to decipher TGIF as what it really is in a girl’s eyes: a message of hope that someday, the dudes will finally realize that the thrills of the day are best shared in the home.  Unfortunately, they wish in vain: Boys will always be boys. And many more tender hearts are broken, weekly.

Women will certainly agree that it has become necessary to introduce a stricter position to this scenario, by imposing the Law on these errant males. Given the platform, their draft-argument will run a bit like this:

For the purposes of this discussion, we shall view every household, whether enabled by mere consent, traditional law or divine approval as a self-sufficient, sovereign unit. In this regard, it shall be empowered to run its internal administration under a strict body of regulated rules.  First, since the progress of every household is determined by how well it applies its budget to such necessaries as food, shelter and clothing (Please Note that this third item extends to jewelry, Brazilian hair and such other accessories as may be in vogue); it shall be criminal for the leadership of the household to misappropriate same in nurturing trivial habits.

Further, our collective Rights to Life as women are consistently endangered by this habit. Yes, we may not have minded so much in view of the correlation which alcohol has with the male libido, but in the circumstances, robbed of their full mental comportment, there is an application of excessive force, enough to result in grievous bodily harm. Therefore, whenever the man becomes inebriated to the level of insanity, we propose a temporary appointment of legal guardians (chosen to fit our secret fantasies) to act on their behalf during the period of mental incapacity.  

Also, since our society deems it unseemly for a woman to go out at night unaccompanied by her spouse or partner, the absence of our men on Fridays constitutes a violation to our Rights to Free Movement. We are forced to stay indoors and watch the night exhaust its excitements, while we suffer the tortures of Channel 114. That is when we are lucky! Because, in most cases, the generator-fuel allowance is compromised to feed the man’s evil Friday habit, and we are consigned to the humid darkness all night, in manifest contravention of  the Dignity of the Human Person.

The woman’s roles as a home-maker depend solely on her right to Free Speech. Thus, in whatever manner she prefers to act, by nagging or fretting, she should be given a platform to exercise this, and be fairly heard too (at least within a few miles of the neighborhood). But with the man’s fixation on alcohol, she is denied this essential right.  At that precise hour of the Friday night when she best deploys this tool to assess the ending week, the man snores away, drunk!  He claims Freedom of Assembly when he embarks on his unholy sojourns with a questionable entourage of noisy friends, but we shall heed that no longer. By Law, Free Assembly must not precipitate uprising or war. And since most of the clashes in the household are remotely triggered by the excesses of Friday night, it cannot be lawful to congregate over such an explosive subject matter as- drinking beer.

We continually suffer discrimination on the basis of sex, when the men state that they are hanging out with the boys. We shall no longer be silent. Most importantly, our Right to own Property (which is set in motion by that blissful act of Shopping) is constantly breached by Friday nights, because the cars keep getting smashed in as the men speed drunkenly, and all the resources that could have enabled our purchases are channeled to repairs.  

Worst of all, Friday night beer encourages our men’s association with that unwholesome sub-genre of womanhood that walk the nights and we must fight vigorously to reclaim our rightful places.  

Therefore, we propose that Friday Beer be pronounced illegal by Law; seeing that it is contrary to the healthy development of family life and consequently  corrupts our collective morals as a society. The only exception to the law should be that: any man that takes his wife, girlfriend, or partner along during Friday night hangouts for three consecutive weekends shall become entitled to one unsupervised hangout in a month.  This concession shall however be subject to a written representation that the hangout shall not jeopardize steady supply of treats and gifts to the said spouse. 

Defaulting men shall be ordered to pay for an exclusive 2-week holiday (inclusive of comprehensive vouchers covering shopping and Spa) for the aggrieved spouse to facilitate her recuperation from the emotional trauma.

In severe cases of default, the aggrieved woman may apply and obtain a younger male escort to temporarily carry out the usual activities of her partner for up to six months, at the end of which period she may elect to make the transfer absolute. And if she so elects, a larger percentage of the man’s estate shall be assigned to her on the grounds that  habitual intoxication has rendered him incapable of administering same. It shall not be a defence that the man is sober during the rest of the week: strong beginnings should not fritter out to weak-ends.  Moreso, no good relationship survives in the face of bottled up desires.

TGIF!

Often, the Law defeats itself

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The Law envisages an ideal world, and as long as ours is imperfect, the Law will keep making a fool of itself. A few recent experiences drove this point home, and I have captured them under different story lines. Here goes:

1.      CITIZENS PAY FOR GOVERNMENT NUISANCE

I was in court the other day during the final ruling in an action for Nuisance.  The defendant’s generator was robbing the plaintiff of his nightly sleep. The judgment favoured the plaintiff and the defendant was ordered to pay a few hundreds of thousands in compensation. A no-brainer; it happens every day. But think again! Place the litigants in a dinghy, overcrowded section of Lagos where the electricity transformers have all crumbled from over-use, potable water lies in subterranean idleness waiting for elusive electricity to draw it up, and ventilation is nil, as even air cannot move freely amidst the logjam of buildings and humans. In a place like this, a generator becomes a basic tool for self-preservation. Anything less compromises the right to life. It is our world, our country, but the poor defendant pays. Maybe that is the hidden meaning of separation of powers. Yes, separated from the governed in favour of the governors. Now, you will agree that the judge erred. Not just because he placed liability unjustly, but also because he did not lay a proper sequence. The proper test should be:  Has the plaintiff been able to establish specifically that it was the exact sound of the defendant’s generator that denied him sleep at the precise hour of the night in question? Has he eliminated the possibility that in a street continuously buzzing with generators, it could be any of those (beyond that of his immediate neighbour) that remotely or directly resulted in his forced insomnia? Evidently, the judge looked at proximity. Yes, he may be right. But it then means that our neighbours will keep paying for the sins of our far-away leaders. Long arms of the law; my foot.  As the court pleases!

2.      EMPLOYMENT, PRIVACY & FACEBOOK

Regularly, I read of how some bosses in Europe and America get into trouble for requesting the passwords to employees’ social accounts.  In many of these countries, there are strong arguments that use of the Internet is a fundamental right. How do you reconcile this then with the overbearing practice of most organizations: forbidding Facebook at work.  These days, they do not merely disable the service (they have since been defeated by Smart phones and tablets) they publish Employment Guidelines warning of immediate sack of “anybody found on Facebook during work hours”. The question is; when you do ‘catch’ a defaulter, how do you prove the frequency of his visits, and how has this frequency affected his productivity? So, bosses merely set themselves up for wrongful termination lawsuits. Knowing this, they merely fume and rave, while the defaulting staff continues putting up smileys, and work piles up. But there’s a solution bosses can try! And it’s simple: First, create a profile of a very beautiful girl whose personal information conspicuously announces “an unexplainable weakness for lawyers”. Secure in the feeling that you can’t sack him, it won’t be too hard obtaining the Profile name of defaulting staff. The next steps are easy: Miss Charming adds Staff as friend. No man ever turns down a girl’s friend request. Of course as the boss you don’t have that much time to waste, and so should recruit any available awaiting-Jamb-result niece of yours for the task.  The chats begin. ‘Hi lawyer; spare a moment for your admirer?’ Unsuspecting, he gleefully tumbles headlong. More shoddy jobs, more missed deadlines.  But thanks to the massive memory of the Facebook chat history, within a week you will have enough evidence to nail him. Not to worry, illegally obtained evidence is acceptable in our courts.  And most importantly, the sacked dude retains his ‘right to browse’…only this time, for job openings.

3.      DEATH FOR THE CORRUPT

Everyday, the self-righteous chants ring: “the only way out of corruption in Nigeria is to make it a capital offence!.” I agree. But I notice that the proponents say it with their eyes on the public sector alone.  Yes, they are the sole custodians of our wealth and should exercise a higher level of restraint! Really? But most critical wealth infrastructures are in the private sector. For instance, if the banks decide to wrongly channel our deposits for just 24 hours, it’s a state of emergency!  So the penalty should extend to both sectors: public and private. Now, instead of the glorious image of a bloated agbada-decked senator being riddled with the executioner’s bullets, more gory visions play out before my eyes: the University lecturer who hands out false grades, the hireling that ‘pushes files’ at the Government Ministry, the contractor with a hefty brown envelope, the hapless banker ‘borrowing’ depositors’ funds for the weekend, the peddler of fake drugs with the Regulator’s mark of approval, etc. lining up tearfully to face the executioner’s axe. Yea, you asked for ‘capital’ offence, and its literally handed down. Corruption is capital-based.  Oh, are we having a rethink!  And come to think of it, who will effect the arrests of these offenders? The police? (LOL!). See why the subject is not even worth debating? On to the next one, please.

4.      SENDING YOUR HUSBAND TO PRISON

The wedding day is a cocktail of sweet smiles and kisses. How does life manage to get sour afterwards? The nags, the whines, the sulks, the fights.  But the line must be drawn. Do not strike the woman! Yes, any man that beats a woman is a beast. Anger and provocation are no defence!  We all agree. But these words do not stop the scourge. Every now and again, a woman rushes out to the media and bares all. The rest gasp in shock and outrage, meanwhile, gritting their teeth over their own private experiences and uploading more fairy-tale photos of marriage on Facebook.  That is until some dude goes overboard and the woman loses limb or life.  The Law is reluctantly brought in then, but usually, it’s already late.  The remedy?  A dedicated care-line for victims of spousal abuse. Once he deals you the lightest of slaps, call in the police quick! Also, a Law should be passed covering ‘the least touching in anger” as battery; and a minimum of 15 years behind bars for the brute. But therein lies the snag. Without a divorce, what is the legal status of a woman who sends her husband to jail, in our country?  Oh sure, the courts can order support for the wife and kids, but that is if the gentleman has an estate in the first place? If he doesn’t, how much more can you punish him for abdicating responsibility? He is already in jail! And we the outraged onlookers, how willing are we to pay a special kind of tax: Support for Battered Wives (SBW). More so, if the woman decides to divorce him, does our culture readily send out our brothers and our sons to marry a woman reputed to have locked up her husband?   This is a question even the Law cannot answer.

I rest my thesis.


Also published in THISDAY Newspapers, Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Client runs this Jungle

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Maybe Lawyers are largely grumpy, because their pleasures are brief. With expertise at little else, they live at the mercy of their clients. Ironically, in his bid to impress and sustain the client, the Lawyer gets so busy learning the Law and misses a vital fact: Successful businessmen learn little of the business, and more of the customer.  

A friend of mine complains that his client uses him as an errand boy “I book his flights and schedule his meetings, surely not what I went to Law School for…!” he fumed.  I had to interrupt him- “No, you are wrong, THAT IS what you went to Law school for; only that your tutors failed to teach you so. Read and learn your client, serve his purpose and his quirks.  Earn his loyalty and earn your fees.” Of course, the logic is too simple; and the lawyer is suspicious of anything that is not complex. They would rather stay on their high-horse, where no one will take them for a ride. And on the high horse many lawyers still sit, while the rest of the world has evolved cars. 

Surprisingly though, my friend paid me heed, and I went on to show him the various species of clients and how best to respond to their demands:

1.       THE TIGER

This Client is tough, aggressive and demanding.  He is curt and impatient, yells and cuts the phone on both you and your staff. He is a man of power and knows it too well. He owns big businesses and is a stakeholder of the Big System.  He has a horde of loyalists and expects you to swell their numbers. He is a masterful hunter, never fails to bring in spoils. He only needs you to hide the spoils and blood from the public’s prying eyes.  He does not want you to grovel, just be effective and don’t ask questions. He hates excuses and cannot stand failure. He believes nothing else is as important as his work. When you draw up your Retainer, do not attempt to ensnare him with a stringent clause. He pays no heed to contracts, he relies on his claws. He is derisive of your pretensions, and bored with your intellect. You merely play a practical role; just another necessary piece of his empire’s jigsaw.  He pays generously, but don’t take him for a fool. Chances are he has your meetings taped and keeps a dossier on you.  

Typical Signs: Brooding and silent during meetings (His assistants do the talking); Doesn’t take notes, but stares straight at you; Often cuts into your sentences without apologizing; Comes late for meetings and asks ‘can we start now?’; Chews you to shreds if you are late yourself; Always chauffer driven; Never discusses his family.

2.       THE HORSE

 This is the Client on a race against time. A no no for the lazy lawyer.  He is always on the move, last-minute flight tickets and late night marathon meetings. His impossible deadlines will keep you gasping for breath. His speed doesn’t make him any less thorough. He skims through a 200-page document five minutes before a meeting and is able to comment on every little detail.  He reviews your letters spotting typos and inelegant constructs, you want to scream at him for being so damned smart. He doesn’t outwardly undermine you, but you often leave his presence feeling small.  He is extremely impatient and keeps to time fanatically. He calls you up by 3.00 am to discuss emerging opportunities for cyber-insurance, apologizes for keeping you awake, but talks till 6.00am, ending with a reminder that a meeting is scheduled for 8.  He pays fees promptly, noting when Retainers are due for renewal, but insists you send in a detailed invoice showing the structure of your billing system.

Typical Signs: Keeps rolls of writing pads and never stops scribbling;  nods vigorously when points are being made at meetings; Calls his wife a hundred times a day (shows they don’t see much of each other); Offers you coffee instead of soft drinks.

3.       THE DOG

This is the social animal.  He rarely meets you at offices, he prefers hotels and bars. His favourite sign-out phrase is “Lets meet up for a few beers sometime”. When you eventually take him up on that, you find that he easily gets tipsy and talks freely about his personal life. In sympathy, you feel obliged to reveal a few private things as well. What you don’t notice is that his ears immediately flare wide, taking in every detail, analyzing your psyche and measuring it for weaknesses.  He flatters you regularly, praising your work.  You wonder why he never loses his cool, and you work harder to keep him smiling. He doesn’t need to remind you of deadlines; unconsciously, you feel compelled to meet them.  This earns you more praise, and you wag your tail accordingly. He takes you into confidence on his business challenges. You feel genuinely needed, until you start noticing that he delays your payments, and this usually coincides with earlier negative business forecasts he had made at your last beer hangout (it is now a regular weekend affair). Just when you are about to blow up, he surprises you with a bonus pay. You learn to be more patient, and willingly oblige when he calls you from abroad- to assist in booking a ticket or paying his casual staff. He is such an enthusiastic friend, you figure he will be equally enthusiastic as a foe, and you don’t want to rock the boat, yet.

Typical Signs: Booming laughter; taps your shoulders when making a point; buys you gifts whenever he travels; never comes for meetings alone (Some pal always tags along).

4.       THE HARE

While the Horse is speedy but stable; this Client is always on the fast lane.  He is in endless trouble with the Law, and when he is not, it is one friend or associate instead.  You are friends with the police largely because of him. He doesn’t bring you briefs; he brings deals, and patiently listens as you enumerate legal requirements for his transactions before asking whether there is a way around them.  He is full of street cred and rarely converses in English. He prefers pidgin. He only hires lawyers because he believes they share his disdain for the straight and narrow.  So, whenever you talk of ‘legal implications’ his face turns ugly. He reminds you that lawyers make the laws and should be able to break them easily: unless you are a dulling lawyer. He often disappears for months on end and his numbers are switched off. Then he suddenly appears looking even more dapper and offers no explanations for his absence. He adamantly refuses to get into a Retainer agreement and only pays you on a case-by-case basis.  

Typical Signs:  I haven’t figured out any yet.

5.       THE SHEEP

Docile and quietly cooperative, chances are you met him during a long flight, started a conversation and awed him with extensive knowledge of your Practice specialty. He calls you ‘sir’ and takes your word as law.  His emails are polite and he never complains when you delay his jobs. He dutifully pays your fees and likes to flaunt you to his friends and family. You churn out template-replicas for him and save your best for the Tiger and the Horse, but he is effusive in his thanks for your insightful opinions.  He is very easy to impress; and there lies the problem! Someday soon, he will be in another flight, and run into a more eloquent lawyer. He will be unable to stare at you during the next meeting (which you will take as typical timidity); until he sends an email with those dreadful words: ‘we are unable to continue retaining your services…’ and he won’t take your calls again, having crossed over to where grasses are greener.

Typical signs: Calls you ‘sir’

I rest.

The Integrity Coup & Other Stories...

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1.    To save the king, sacrifice the far Rook.

No doubts I am not the only one who ever thought Farouk and his Integrity Group were rather insufferably self-righteous. My view was not helped by the measured, deliberate gait and knowing smirk that always plays around the diminutive Rep’s lips. So, ordinarily, I should laugh and scoff at another reminder that in the “fallible realm”, we are all casualties (apologies JP Clark).  But I’m not laughing. I am merely shaking my head at the absolute lack of subtlety employed in a bid to bury yet another revealing Report. The intended logic is crisp: no noble end can be achieved through a flawed process. And typical of Nigerians, we are already falling over ourselves in condemnation and counter-positioning; relegating the very grave implications of the ‘subsidy fraud’ to the trenches. A chess-man’s master-stroke, this: play the far Rook in for the king. However this ends, I will not be bothered anymore. But we should take home a lesson to guide future Probes. A temporary cloak of immunity should be vested on every quasi-judicial panel, to curtail distracting allegations, true or not, at least for the duration of their assignments.  If all the judges in the country routinely answer imputations to their character, we will not move a step forward in justice delivery. And the Probe Report should stand as it is, on the facts available. Let every indicted party escape on the strength of his evidence, not on the morals of the arbiter. I rest.

2.    Rochas & the 4-tier National Cake

Irrespective of what his adversaries say, I think the affable Imo state leader is interestingly progressive. He doesn’t just think outside the box, he thinks beyond the room as well.   How else can you describe his dynamic interpretation of “growth in governance” expressed by birthing a younger sibling for the much maligned 3^rd tier of government. He named this 4^th tier, “Community Government”. By the time this gentleman is through with a possible 2^nd term, Imo state will become a city of leaders, literally. There will be no ‘followers’’ left.  The next steps should include town-hall and kindred governments vested with the noble mandate of settling family disputes and drawing budgetary allocations accordingly. Pure genius!

3.    Death to Paedophiles!

Sickening story; but a perfect ending! A man in Texas caught a grown man fondling his 4 year old daughter and delivered lethal punches to the paedo’s head and neck. The man died. I double-dare the Law to as much as raise a single charge against this father, and it will expose itself as a blubbering ass after all. The dude should be awarded a hero’s medal and we do not even need to wade into fine legal lines of his duty under law to defend another from assault, or extreme provocation as the case may be.  Child sexual abuse is the lowest of the low, and death is even too easy a way out! The torture-experts in China fashioned a perfect legal regime to curb the evil tendency: Chemical castration. Yes, a bottle of bad fluids is injected into the abuser, and his cookie crumbles for life.  And this, from a country with a record of the most, well, modest lower-chambers.  Now you talk of Texas where everything is big! There’s no way that man was surviving the father’s ire. No frigging way!

4.    The Customer is always right (here to be played)

I ran into a friend the other day and he showed me an SMS alert stating that his Bank had deducted N3, 500 from his account in order to conduct a legal search on his company. He had just opened a corporate account for the said company. I stormed into the bank and let loose wildly. My position: At the time of opening the account, the customer tendered all requisite documents and references which the bank demanded, and the account was opened on the basis that the documents were presumed regular. Any extra act of due diligence should be borne by the bank! It is like telling the vendor of a piece of land to bankroll the buyer’s investigative search at the land registry.  I was making headway in my tirade, but oh dear! Trust Nigerians, the murmurs of an impatient queue met me headlong.  “Oga, na because of common 3, 5 you dey take our time?’’ This emboldened the hitherto cowering Bank Manager and he superciliously crooned “it is standard banking policy, sir. And if you don’t mind, please make way on the queue”.  Standard Banking policy? To sneakily pilfer a customer’s money without advance notice?  It is theft, theft! Theft!

Promising fire and brimstone, I turned to storm out of the building with my ‘client’...he was flirting with the Customer Care desk-lady, all smiles.

Good luck Nigeria!




Also published in THISDAY Newspapers, Tuesday June 19, 2012

What would you inherit from the Boss when he dies?

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At some point in the lawyer’s career, he would have to set up a Practice of his own. One would find then that the biggest headache is not sourcing requisite financial resources, but in accessing the right Legal staff.  We all know that CVs are the biggest fraud: mere shadowy adornments recycled from pre-existing templates. And the same old “tell us about yourself” crap at Interviews do not help matters either. It becomes dangerous then to use them as sole yardstick. That ‘seasoned’ taxation attorney may turn out to be a perennially inept bungler, incapable of unsupervised completion of any intellectual activity. Or worse, the focus may disproportionately lie on the academic laurels, and conceal certain personal habits which would eventually unfold in alarming installments. By then, it is a wee too late!

We therefore recommend a whole new approach at Staff Interviews. No litanies of glowing references or list of personal honours and awards, nah! Our approach is built on a fundamental human truth: A man is only as good as his motivation, no further. To achieve this, the interview session should be limited to just one question: IF I DIE AS YOUR BOSS, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH TO INHERIT FROM ME?

From the possible answers, we achieved a 5-pronged classification of Legal staff. Here goes:

1.      The one that wishes to inherit your CAR

He is the drifter. He has no character, no career plan and no long term goals. Odds are, he was ‘forced’ to study Law and merely wishes to make a living anyhow. It is ironic, but if all he wants is your car, then he has no drive. He will make nil independent contribution to your practice, and will merely take instructions, and perform them- just to guarantee his monthly pay. Depending on his (physical) work-rate, you may keep him and throw in the occasional pay raise until you have completely squeezed any possible substance from his skeletal aptitude, then discard his worn carcass for the next victim.

2.      The one that wishes to inherit your LIBRARY

Meet the Hypocrite. Mr. ‘Eye-service’. He is the one that claims that- “I am in this profession to build myself; I don’t really care about money.” He is not to be trusted. No man voluntarily embraces starvation. Law Libraries are a useless inheritance.  They are not marketable. Why? If you are a general practitioner, it means every other lawyer has your kind of books already, and if you are a Consultant in a unique field, then no other lawyer wants your books at all.  The Hypocrite therefore elects to keep the Library in order to cuckold you to believe that he is a selfless knowledge seeker. Bulls!  But then, you can make the most of this as boss. Here is the ideal Office spy who will backbite the others to win your thumbs up.  More so, if you are of a miserly leaning, you have earned an easy prey. Instead of pay-raises, buy him books and follow up with lectures on how “you will get to become a better lawyer than me someday soon, if you stay focused on knowledge-seeking”. Endure his irritating obsequiousness and keep his salary stagnated. He will not have the balls to argue…that is, until threats of destitution reveal his true colours. By then, you would have discarded him of course.

3.      The one that wishes for A YEAR’S SALARY IN ADVANCE

 This is the realist. He is the one that will keep you from becoming too dictatorial. He makes it clear that he is in this game for something and will not be shortchanged on any account. He is the devil’s advocate. Odds are that he also knows his onions, and attaches value to them accordingly. You can’t pull the rug from his feet easily. Every employment condition must be written (no vague oral promises) and he will naggingly follow up with email reminders. He is unreliable too because he is ambitious in a strictly individualistic sense and does not give hoots about the corporate existence of the Firm. He may also be difficult to get rid of, because he is well versed with all the statutory terminal benefits and corresponding compensations. So, it’s either you take him on board and behave, or kick him out and run the Firm your own bloody way.

4.      The one that wishes to inherit NOTHING

This is the shameless liar and you employ him at your own risk. He is the sneaky one, who probably has nothing to offer and thus has not formal expectations. He is the one that hopes to make his money by swindling you: exaggerating filing fees and cooking up ‘expediency charges’.  He wants nothing because he does not hope to bring in anything either. He has no balls to say what he wants, but he wants them nonetheless. (So he takes them when no one is looking). However, you may use him to fill up the gaps, but watch him closely! Keep him away from money, and his name must always head the list when you are downsizing.

5.      The one that wishes to inherit YOUR CLIENTS

This is an extremely dangerous man! He is the one that will learn everything and perfect his skills with your Practice, and then go out to build a competing Firm.  (Think those old Chinese films where the aged kung-fu teacher trains the thick muscled antagonist who perfects the trade, turns rogue, then beats the teacher to a pulp and resigns him to bitter ruminations…before the hero stumbles by). This candidate is smart and competent. He is confident that the clients will need him as much as they needed you. If you play your cards well, you can groom his loyalty by making him Partner. He thinks growth from a corporate perspective and would serve to preserve your Firm. (Caveat: On no condition should you employ him if you ever expect a child of yours to fill your shoes someday)

I rest my thesis.

Love and the Lawyer

Google images

A contradictory title no doubt. The lawyer’s job is driven by strife, especially in our local context; where bitterness escalates to an irreversible level before you call in a lawyer. Even the modern suggestion of pre-emptive use of Law is worse.  It merely displays a lack of trust. And what is love without trust?

So, we should not ruin the beautiful word by placing it side to side with, well…the Law.

Love is for people who live freely. The lawyer’s starched collars permit no such easement. Love is for honest folks who are not ashamed of making mistakes. It is a game of emotions. The Law is infallible and impassive. Love attracts gifts. The Law attracts penalties. Love is a gesture that goes beyond mere words. In the words of Ingrid Bergman: A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

But ‘beyond mere words’ best describes a lawyer’s death.

The anti-lawyer sentiment when Love is in the air is not helped by the practice of Divorce Lawyers. You can sense their sardonic pleasure when they establish the unsavoury fact that sometimes, Love is in the err…!

The Lawyer scoffs at the phrase ‘unconditional love’ as tautology. He believes that Love should either exist in an absolute state; or humbly admit its openness to conditions. He does not believe in falling in love or any such spontaneous magic. He recommends a firm foot-hold in matters of the heart, governed by mutually agreed pre-conditions. 

The lawyer’s concept of Love is a bit like this:

 “The parties hereby agree that for the subsistence of this relationship (which phrase shall wherever the context admits, include such casual liaisons as flings, affairs, and friendship with benefits as well as the more formal processes of dating, courtship and marriage).

The parties also agree that no party shall perform acts or omissions which are likely to negatively impact on the other party’s state of health, mind, emotions, or finances.

“Omission” as used here is any unjustified forgetfulness on the part of the male constituent in this relationship of any occasion, event or circumstance which in the opinion of the female constituent is important or highly cherished. These events include but are not limited to: anniversaries (which shall in itself include, birthdays, first dates, first kiss, first hug, first argument, first fight, first picnic, parents’ birthdates [“parents’ herein used shall be mandatory for those of the female constituent, and discretionary for those of the male], sister’s boyfriend’s thanksgiving, etc); shoe size (UK and American); best chocolate flavours; best fragrance, best shopping mall, best jewelry, best TV channel; best visitors; best topics of discussion, etc.

The Agreement will go further to provide that:

“Unreasonable demands’ shall include any such urges, desires, or wants expressed orally or in writing by the female constituent to the male constituent requiring the performance of such activities as are either impossible or where possible would inflict huge personal discomforts and pain, or have such negative effect on the financial solvency of the male constituent as to endanger his life. These shall include but not limited to: questing for a week-long trip to Dubai and/or other exotic Islands, A pronounced preference for any variety of human hair beyond the natural braids and weave; An insistent notice of the emergence of the Blackberry Porsche; cultivating an exclusive taste for Chinese and other Oriental cuisines; A habitual preference for the VIP sections of bars, lounges, clubs and during live-shows; an expressed dislike for the genteel gifts or flowers, poetry and chocolates during Valentine, etc.’

The bad thing about this scenario is that there would be no Termination Clause. Love is permanent. But every contract permits an exit route. Oh, Love is not a contract…it is a covenant; a restrictive covenant. So, these conditions may or may not be met, and the parties live in stoic tolerance of the good, the bad and the downright unacceptable. Where then lies the “Happily Ever After” elixir?

Only fools fall in love then; never the learned and knowledgeable…at least, not in that mushy sense.

The lawyer views love from a social perspective; the balance of society, the love of the Law.

So, when the date rape occurs on Valentine’s, the loveless Lawyer is entreated from his lonely chambers. He is Mr. Damage Control who is never invited when the going is good.

The big irony then is that the Lawyer shows the best type of love. That, which brooks no excuses: you pay for your sins. In popular legal parlance; the saying “thou shall love your neighbor” is interpreted as ‘thou shall not injure your neighbor…”

So, when next you see a Lawyer wandering distractedly across the red splashed streets on St Valentine’s, do not point and deride him. He is expressing the same emotion, albeit a bit unimaginatively. Of course, we agree that he is also a money grabber, but then that ‘robber’ might just be your best protection.  Grab his card and buy him a drink. Just be sure to rise when he starts a glazed-eye discourse on the ‘subtle sexism discernible from Shakespeare’s sonnets’

END.

PS: In the light of our collective national scourge of religious/tribal violence and militant destruction, the Nation desperately needs LOVE. Show some today…even to a lawyer!

Happy Val’s People!

also published on THISDAY Newspapers, Tuesday, February 14, 2012.