6 Signs that show the Client doesn’t want to pay. (Tips for the Hustling Lawyer)

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Ok, you have broken off the “employee” mould.  You now live for yourself, not merely existing in the shadows of another man’s dreams. You are young. You are smart. You are poised to rule this Profession.  But, tarry awhile. First; you must note that Clients make or mar you. Yes, that’s the irony of being learned. These lay-persons outsmart us every day.  In the jostle to win more and more of them, you forget to talk money first; and the population of poor lawyers swell by the day.

Remember the Pareto Principle? (The 80-20 Rule).  Choose the effective clients. Trash the rest.

Now, a few favourite phrases of the Client who wants to manoeuvre past Legal Fees:

1.       “I lost my phone. I had to call your mother to get your number again”

This is the guilt-card. This Client is probably an old friend you had lost touch with. In human relations, you only lose touch with people you don’t need. The natural implication is that you never valued him as your friend. He is the one doing all the chasing. And he still has your mother’s number since University days! You have been a bad friend, so you quickly want to remedy things. The story then starts; “I sold a land and the buyer gave me a bounced cheque...blah blah blah”. (Ridden with guilt, you forget to ask why you were not consulted during the sale in the first place).  Anyways, you offer to draft a petition to EFCC. “Don’t worry, no charges. What are friends for?” He gains eventual remedy, pockets the cash and playfully reprimands you for not staying in touch. RESULT: You have finally been a good friend; but a horrible lawyer. Do not fall for such cheap tricks again!  

RECOMMENDED RESPONSE FOR THIS CLIENT: “Wow, Funny, I was just thinking of calling you myself just now: strange world.” Having said this; you are on equal footings. You both think of each other, but the days have been too busy to stay in touch. Anything else is business.

2. “Can you help me review a Short Proposal?”

[Smart client this. He deliberately understates the issue and plants the idea that there is really nothing much to the work.  The Proposal is already drafted, he merely wants you to browse through it and fine-tune where necessary.  This approach is typical with professionals in other specialist disciplines.  They are not dullards, so it becomes flattering that they need your approval for a document they had painstakingly prepared.  Without thinking, you croon, “Sure thing, swing it across”. By that singular phrase, you commit yourself and it becomes a matter of honour. 

Then, he sends you an email “FYI. Thanks boss.” You open the attachment to see a twenty-page shoddily pieced assemblage of incomplete sentences and tentative paragraphs. “Kindly feel free to expand as you deem fit” He quips in red highlights.

You slave through it for hours and hours. A lawyer never signs off on a shoddy job. You send it back and he responds with a boisterously warm text. And you are none the richer.

RECOMMENDED RESPONSE FOR THIS CLIENT: “Oh, I would rather you briefed me on the preferred content of the Proposal so I can develop an initial draft. You may incorporate your thoughts for my final review.”

Now, you have caught him both ways. And he will be constrained to ask “Ok how much will it cost to do the proposal and review?”

3.       “Don’t worry about your Transport and Lunch, I’ll fix those”

 This Client is like a Nanny for male infants: He short-changes you.  He does it so smartly that you have no chance to come up with a formal Legal Fee.  Conveniently, he merely pays you an  “Inconvenience Allowance”. The stated Brief may vary from filing at the Lands Registry to conducting a Search at CAC. He avails you just enough to defray the formal statutory charges and no more. Now, he encloses a further 20k in a mint envelope. And therein lies the trick: Because you know that lunch at Iya Ibeji’s (opposite TBS) does not cost 10k; nor does it take up to another 10k to bus to the Island from Kilo-Aguda; you are full of praise for his generosity. And for a mess of pottage; your right to a fair Fee is waived.

RECOMMENDED RESPONSE FOR THIS CLIENT: “No thanks sir. In fact, let me do you the favour of actually waiving Lunch and Transport. Just pay the Legal Fees only”.  

This way, you appear to be the one doing him a favour by limiting his aggregate legal costs. But of course, you have totally lost this client, trust me.

4.       “My last Lawyer was so shoddy on this job”

Another very ingenious approach. This Client waves the “competence” card. By rubbishing a learned colleague; he motivates you to prove yourself as different.   Plus the unspoken promise of “If you satisfy me on this one; you automatically become my new lawyer.” This Brief then becomes more of a test-run. You concentrate on proving yourself as opposed to striking a hard bargain. And it is only after you have slaved on the task that you remember that you did not issue a formal Bill.  Need I say that this is likely to be the last and only job you ever do for this guy?  He was just in an unusual fix, and played that card. Ordinarily, he never really needs a Lawyer.

RECOMMENDED RESPONSE FOR THIS CLIENT: “Oh, too bad about your Lawyer. These things happen. But I won’t work miracles. I will only do my best”.

The implication being that you are putting in your best in this. And that best must be paid for. QED

5.   “There’s this deal we can partner on, and it falls under your Specialty”

This Client activates all the buttons that weaken a Lawyer in one fell swoop.  Every Lawyer wants a bigger stake in the client’s business not just the crumbs of Retainers. Having sufficiently whetted your appetite, he proceeds to give you a sketch of the Project. Odds are it would be quite ambitious but the language will be vague: Some cross-border collaboration to create a specialist monitoring platform for overseas-remittances. There is a lot of mystery in the unformed phrases, and like the show-off every Lawyer is, you dive headlong into the preliminary research. Plus, he has the funds. You then fix meetings to educate him on the legal aspects of the Project, observing his frantic note-takings as good signs of an enthusiastic partner.

Then suddenly, he drops out of touch. Your reminders are met with curt references to “certain unexpected bottle-necks”, and gradually, he stops responding to your emails.

You shrug it off and move on. But tomorrow, you see his name on the neon-lights. The idea came to light after all. The language on his heavily subscribed websites are all yours down to the last punctuation. But in your eager haste, there was no talk of intellectual property or percentages. You gave it all out, free! So you miss out not just on the cash, but the fame as well. You are the anonymous brain behind it all. Note that an anonymous Lawyer is an oxymoron.

RECOMMENDED RESPONSE FOR THIS CLIENT: “Thanks, but I will prefer to be your Consultant. Let’s hear the details, and I will send in my scale of fees.” 

6.    “I am a bit tied up tomorrow; my niece in Law-School  will come down to your office with the files.”

This comes to cancel a pre-fixed Briefing meeting.  At the last minute, he sends you the above text. Odds are that the niece in question is very pretty and appealing. She will also have a great dress sense (meaning; a pencil skirt riding dangerously close to her thighs).   This Client expertly sets the primal-trap. And it happens on cue: The girl enters in the wake of a bewitching perfume, and coiffed lashes overhanging a disarming wide eyed innocence.

You struggle not to lose your composure and go through the files with her. Time speeds by. Your other files suffer. But no, you are undeterred in the present task. In a bid to impress, you go overboard and almost complete the Case even before you have been fully briefed. And when it all had to end; you initiate small talk and sustain it for another hour. The just-past-her-teens Beauty hangs on your every word; and nods in hypnotic awe. It would be impolitic to mention Fees, because while the girl is old enough to ruthlessly stir the blood; she doesn’t look to be of earning age yet. She eventually rises with “I will take the files; Uncle is sooo lucky to have such a smart lawyer as you”. You shiftily adjust your trousers as she wheels off to the seductive clicks of heeled shoes.   

And when the Client calls to know how it all went; you will be burdened with the guilt of having harboured impure thoughts for the possibly under-age niece.  Breezily, you will say “Ah; don’t worry. Nothing I can’t handle. Plus, you should encourage that Niece of yours. She is quite smart." And no talk of fees arises again.

RECOMMENDED RESPONSE FOR THIS CLIENT: “Oh, never mind sir. I will send my Assistant to come pick the Files up. Along with our Invoice.”

And the matter will end sweetly.

Great tips, yea? Now, pay me!

Forecasts for the Law in 2013

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I trust that by now we have understood that Resolutions are best confined to corporate decisions. Their binding effect is only assured by the witnessing shareholders/directors. Thus, any attempt at private or personal resolutions will fail. I have no resolutions for 2013.  I will not pledge a sudden hatred for alcohol; neither will I promise to meet each of my client’s minute deadlines.  I shall treat every issue like a good lawyer; on a case-by-case basis. There will be no attempt at drawing up a sweeping reform-list certain to fade within the first fortnight of January and fill me with needless guilt.

I love looking ahead though. I try to make personal and business forecasts; then I mentally align my expectations and pursuits, accordingly. That is more practical.  So, let’s share a few of my legal forecasts for 2013:

1.      A myriad Lawsuits from The Cashless Nigeria Project

Given the torture of moving a Bill through our two legislative houses; it has always been more convenient for regulators to issue quick directives and policy statements to address exigencies. So far, these have worked. Whether as a result of the merit of the directives themselves or a docile citizen response is another story of course.  Now, everybody is being virtually forced off offline financial transactions. This in a system where there is as yet no stand-alone Electronic Transactions Law or credible legal/enforcement machinery for cybercrimes.  

With the projected benefits of the exercise focused more on transactional convenience and faster access to cash; you wouldn’t need a prophet to predict the natural outcome. With a wide ICT capacity dearth; consumers will bear all the risks in an inchoate rights/duty environment while cybercriminals will keep smiling to the banks; or rather, to the ATMs.  As usual, nobody will remember the Law until trouble knocks. But then, how many lawyers can competently take the mantle? I already see them dusting off their Sale of Goods Act (1893) in readiness. (Smh: shaking my head).

2.      Boom in incorporation of "Airline-tickets-only" Companies

No doubts, the Government is sadly watching the steady decay of a once-hopeful industry, the Aviation Sector. Emphasis of course is on the watching. Happily, enterprising private Nigerians do not need to set up numerous committees and probes to wade into the issue. Their answers are just a junior-lawyer away! Airline passengers will not decrease in 2013, even if the remaining airlines are down to their last crafts.  The trick is to set up alternative travel-ticket shops. Faced with extinction, the airlines will be open to new business ideas. They will announce that their websites will no longer sell tickets directly and have outsourced same to approved companies. 

They will sell to these companies at a premium, and the costs will be transferred to the passenger. Many more middle-men agencies will crop up to fleece last-minute travellers after having bulk-purchased from the outsourcing agents. Enough said. CAC lawyers are in for a boom. Plus, the government will marvel at the internally generated revenue from Aviations and call off any further probes in the sector. The boom will last forever! The sky is indeed the limit. 

3.      Same-sex law-suits

So what if it has been prohibited by Law. Is the Constitution not clear with respect to discrimination on the basis of sex? (Be it the gender, the act or the preferred partner, I suppose).  Problem is; many lawyers do not want to stir the nest yet. But in 2013, some courageous dude might risk the odds, successfully. And a new crop of Legal Practice will emerge to favourably compete with the Corporate Commercial and Human Rights giants. It will be called; ADVOGAYCY.  There will be outrage in many quarters, as many faceless persons emerge from the closets to fight at the courts. Their lawyers will face ridicule, even threats. But in the words of Donald Trump: they would have made the tough decisions, with an eye on the bottom-line.

4.      Creating  the Lawyers’ Roll on Facebook

Who isn’t on Facebook these days? But has anyone thought of it as a possible source of firsthand database of Lawyers?  First step; register a Group on Facebook: Nigerian Lawyers. The Supreme Court’s Chief Registrar would be the site’s Admin. Intending members would log in with their call-to-bar numbers, and this net-based database would easily fish out the frauds.  It will create an instant interface with the public Facebookers as every lawyer is free to populate his page with his specialty, tales of conquest, pictures and certifications. 

For once, the public can test for themselves whether the SANs possess anything extraordinarily different from the rest. The competition will be sublime. On a fun part, there will also be daily updates from members. If a judge likes your comment on a case you are handling before him, you would screen-munch the page and bill the client some more for significant progress.  Technology is not so bad after all.

5.      Increased attention to Entertainment Law:

I wince whenever I see new creative acts freely splash their songs and videos on YouTube and other social media. They call it promo, and enjoin persons to download for free.  This way, they waive their rights to future claims of infringement. The Law needs to come in here. For a token, lawyers can take up the case of these future Stars.  Those Blogs that upload these videos to win hits and adverts will be forced to share the revenue. And if they are being used as caller-tunes; it gets even better. Nigerians will pay for anything good and new. Plus, this beats the hell out of the Copyright levy any day.

...AND; THE THINGS THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN:

1.      Long jail terms for fuel subsidy looters

There will be long volumes of Press releases on the concerted efforts of law enforcement. There will be arrests, bails and then it will all grow silent. And we will forget and move on to the next one.

2.      Abolishing the title of SAN

This is the prayer-point of many junior lawyers who are sick of the disproportionate market.  Calling a few persons SAN is like telling the public that there are golden lawyers on the one hand, and anything else, from aluminium to copper on the other.  Sadly, although many are called; few will answer this title in their lifetimes. #harsh-reality

3.      No more robes and wigs to court

By February the heat-waves will accelerate in intensity. We will still be bedecked in stiff three-pieces and sodden head-gears. We will keep hoping and dreaming for smart suits and colourful ensemble. It will still not happen in 2013. We will still argue in black and white. The judges will still write in long hand and clients will still not pay promptly.

Be that as it may, I hereby label 2013: the Year of the Law.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tis One Long, Happy Christmas without the Law...? (How the Lawyer stole Christmas)

Credit: Google Images

The Law is full of crap. I can get around any Law you may write. The Law can get twisted out of shape to serve a wicked civilization. The rich can escape the law and sometimes even the poor get lucky. Some Lawyers treat the law they way pimps treat their women. Judges sell the Law, Courts betray it.

All true. But remember this. We have nothing better that works. There is no better way we can make a social contract with our fellow human beings.

-          Mario Puzo: The Fourth K

It is Christmas Eve. The excitement is doubled this year because the world did not end after all. Of course, I maintained an intellectual front through it all, publicly. All day you would hear me volubly dismissing the global concerns as the sensation-cloaked ignorance of modern-day media. But when I got home, I would take fearful peeks into the NASA website and pray with a racing heart.

So here we are, sharing that traditional bottle of wine. We, being the small group of boisterous lawyer-friends that I am usually stuck with this season. As always, we joked and bantered about the professional hazards of the fading year: The psyche battles with clients; the ego tussle with seniors, the pending coup against all SANs; time and wine dulling the edges off the less savoury stories.

Eventually, the conversation naturally steered to the government, the shoddy efforts so far and the remoteness of possible solutions. Of course, it sobered us all up. Beneath the merry laughter and demonstrated fellow-feeling; the guards-down mood of Christmas merely represented another easy channel for man to steal, even more easily from his neighbour.

Prices soar, illogically. Ok, maybe it is nothing personal, just cold economics. But it sure rings a contradictory note in the face of much touted goodwill and love-fuelled giving. Fuel queues stretch for miles, housing agonized travellers. And the station attendant smiles warm greetings to the sweating driver who pays the extra fee for expedited service. But we love it all, the mad rush homewards; to show off, to gloat, to indulge; at the next man’s fiscal or mental expense.

In line with the changed mood of the table; I decided to share a story I had kept to myself all this while. It happened in my first few years of Law practice. The Firm’s client had bought a piece of land and paid in full. Upon moves to take possession, it was revealed that the vendor had availed false papers. Somebody else had better title, and my client was hung out to dry. Of course, the vendor’s phones had long become unreachable.

I had more energy in those days, and I moved, fast. I recall it was Christmas season. We tracked and  traced the vendor through every dinghy nook of Lagos. Precisely on December 22^nd, we discovered his hide-out. Oh well, if you can describe a detached duplex flanked by glittering wheels as a hide-out.

We pounced mercilessly. Yes, one of those rare times when Police is really your friend. The young wife and chubby infants wailed themselves hoarse. The gentleman begged, knelt and cajoled. I insisted. There were frenetic phone-calls, an undertaking, a criminal charge, accelerated recovery. The process triggered off a chain reaction and the dude was ruined for keeps.

My principal roundly commended me. But I could not shake off the wretched feeling. The Client’s insisted pay-off tasted like blood money. This was the best Christmas gift a Lawyer could possibly give: cruelty.

I have since grown used to the reputation: The furtive glances of tenants whenever I came visiting at Christmas. The message in the greeting cards I bore surely contradicted the Client’s instructions- a reviewed rent.  We are singled out as spoilsports. In a bubble of sparkling wine; the world will rather smile and sing through the sham and pain of it all. They need no nagging reminders to toe the straight and narrow line. Christmas preaches forgiveness; but the lawyer seeks justice (read; revenge).  Christmas is colourful and sprightly. The lawyer is dour and sober.

But the Lawyer is losing the battle, no doubt. The concept of Law as a distinct Discipline fast fades away. These days, the lawyer must specialize in the specific business areas of his client. And since he cannot exactly measure up to the expertise of the business owner; he plays second fiddle. Very soon, big corporate decisions will happen without any bit of legal intervention. I overhear already that soon, in Nigeria, Companies would be incorporated by lay persons. Already, every agreement impliedly ousts the courts. They prefer mediation. Even arbitration is dying off. The world hates the judicial flavour.

Lands will be sold, Wills drafted and read, with at best, passive intervention of lawyers. Citizens may negotiate directly with law enforcement without some nosy prude insisting on procedural conformity. Surely, everyday will soon become Christmas.

Emasculated, the Law will take the rear-seat and gape impotently at the unchecked and untamed celebrations. The Government will also rest easier. They will take up glossy pages in Newspapers announcing a joyous partnership with the citizenry. Absence of lawyers means an absence of petitions and litigation. And absence of litigation is in itself prima facie proof of a satisfied populace. Leadership ratings will soar. Santa has hearkened to the most sublime wishes.

Even these may all come to pass. And the world will still not end. We will continue the wait, heeding or defying rumours and prophecies. We will always look forward to that eventual end of the globe. And therein lies the irony. From whence the globe came, or where it is headed; no one knows yet. But of man’s transitory passage through it, we have had centuries of knowledge. Yet man still waits for the world to end.

...But it is already ended the day the Law dies.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Copyright Levy and other absurdities

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1.      BUYING THE RIGHT TO STEAL…?

“Should anyone by craft of any device whatever, abstract this book from this place, may his soul suffer in retribution for what he has done, and may his name be erased from the book of the living and not recorded among the Blessed.”

This was a typical horror-warning on many copyrighted materials of the Middle Ages. Surely, the urge to steal another’s content is not a 21^st century development and the efforts to curb it have evolved accordingly. Sometime within ascertainable history of France, the King had monopolised ownership of design patterns on certain fabric and made unauthorized copying of these patterns an offence punishable by violent death. Today however, technology has steadily ridiculed the Law in the quest for controlled use of content through fast paced devices that transmit intangible copies at the speed of light.

But wait! Nigeria, the land of answers has suddenly thought up a viable way to end it all: by imposing a Copyright Levy. (I am still mad at myself for never having spotted this provision in our Laws. Or maybe I had, but my mind jettisoned it in disbelief).  Well, the gist of the levy is that users shall pay specified amounts for every device that they own which is capable of being used to violate copyrighted content. In a nutshell, our phones, our laptops, printers, photocopiers, TVs, Hard Drives, Memory Sticks, etc. will henceforth be subject to this levy.

What’s the idea? The proponents say it is meant to create a Fund for copyright owners and ensure that they enjoy the fruits of their labour. It is a pre-emptive approach to enforcement, deserving of our collective applause.

But have we played the disturbing scenarios it raises?  Of hulking thugs (the typical template of our enforcers) randomly snatching our phones and iPads on grounds that their levies are not up to date? Is the levy a sort of license for users to thereafter engage in illicit transmission having already done penance in advance? Also, supposing I am not a fan of hip-hop music, will my own contribution to the Fund be specifically channelled to just Highlife and Juju beneficiaries if these were my preferred categories? Before payment, will I make representations on the nature of music I listen to, or the authors I read, and compare the quantum of levies with the potential impact of my possible reproductions as observable from a credible Report Document availed by the enforcers? Why do I not also pay a levy for the knives in my kitchen as a pre-emptive safeguard for victims of violence? Why do I not also pay for my ears, my mouth and my natural memory as these can actually store and reproduce content without recourse to the stipulated Devices?

Don’t get me wrong, I am a big advocate of copyright integrity. Which lawyer isn’t, really? But which Lawyer also preaches unjustified proprietary invasion? Truly, the owner of a property has all the rights to deal with it as he wishes, as long as he does not put it to illegal use. And until such illegality is proven or is subject to investigation; the owner is entitled to quiet enjoyment. 

The list of logical-disconnects can go on and on, but I suspect that what eats at me the most is the fact that, considering my love for musical Devices, persons like Tonto Dikeh now fall under foreseeable beneficiaries of my hard earned  income!

2.      WILLS: A GRAVE MISTAKE?

 Draft your Will! Lawyers routinely preach this. Whether or not our ultimate goal is the fee attaching thereto is a different matter. Truly, the man without a Will is like the man who casts his life earnings into the sea before his exit. It is only on board games that it should be a gamble to die. In real life, you want to reasonably predict that your dependents are well-off in your absence. Sadly, even the most strong-willed are bent at death; and their best wishes become subject to the whims of the living. Friends become foes and households get locked in the sort of battles that suggest that life all along was a long and patient wait for the benefactor’s exit.

My neighbour, an Estate Surveyor, is violently opposed to Wills. And whenever we argue, he has ready statistics of Will-driven-strife to beat me hands down. He often says that at best, he would present his family and friends with deeds of gift which would only become effective upon his death. His “Will” would then contain only a list of the beneficiaries and the corresponding gifts he had given them, such that anyone who does not produce proof of his gift is automatically disinherited. Thus, that way he would limit allegations of falsehood and counter positioning, and the harmony of his household will be preserved.

As simplistic as this sounded, I see some sense in it. The only troubling issue being that once you give people such gifts in advance; you would steadily lose your hold on them. It is best to drag the suspense to the last possible moment. I still marvel at the ingenuity of the old man, Okorie in James Ene-Henshaw’s Play, Jewels of the Shrine. I would want something like that. Get the family worshipful of me while dropping subtle hints that they would be richly rewarded. It will be a clear case of “let thy will be done, sir”.  And at the end, I would do my wish; far beyond the reach of their wrath.

Having said this, I hope the great Ikemba continues to rest in peace!

3.      THE TROUBLE WITH NIGERIA…ARE ITS CIVIL SERVANTS

“Ours is a nation of waste and duplicity in Governance!” The private sector scoffs. The next minute however; they fall over themselves trying to gamble on candidates likely to guarantee favourable policies. They organise dinners and Fund raising events with monstrous Table tags. But whenever the ugliness of government rears up, they scoff and distance themselves from it all. They beat their chests in tales of their long, consistent toils before attaining Eldorado; as opposed to these overnight millionaires who never put in an honest day’s work.

It is quite laughable how self-righteous we all become in condemning the government structure: The heavy handed CEO; The Principal who pushes stale crumbs to junior lawyers; the Marketing supervisor who slave-drives Nigerian graduates, etc. etc. They unite in condemning the unbalanced wealth distribution and luxurious lifestyles of our rulers. 

I once read somewhere that one should be cautious with politicians, but terrified of business-men. Funny, but remotely true. Politicians attempt a show of patriotism; but business-men do not hide their projected outcomes: money, and more money.

Meanwhile, the poor clerical staff who watches it all helplessly, is singled out; and must be sacrificed before the proper balance is struck. The nation’s growth is stifled because of his salaries and entitlements. If he is sacked, the country will save more money and add to the growing projects which will in turn generate mass employment and he will be reabsorbed; preferably into the private sector (to be vigorously squeezed in creating more entrepreneurial billionaires); thus, freeing more funds for the top-level public officials to deal with in moving the country forward.

It is that logical, really. How come nobody thought of this earlier? 

Also published on Thisday Newspaper, Tuesday December 11, 2012

Memories at a not-so young Lawyer’s Birthday...

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Birthdays are reflection events for me. The man in the mirror stares back, with a face gradually getting lined with slow but sure marks of mid-adulthood. Today, I want to let you guys in a bit on the little tales of this not-so young Lawyer.

My start was not different from those of many other lawyers in the sense that: I was forced to study Law. No; not by my parents. I was forced into it by recording unprintable grades in physics and chemistry and a woeful outing at that torture rack: Further maths. High School was a messy blur, really.

Having been consigned to the disgrace of the Arts; one had to reckon with JAMB of course. JAMB: that bitter pill that ensures that aptitude does not always guarantee altitude. For me, it was a slow journey to hell. Held back by JAMB while other dudes in the sciences crept in with staggeringly lower scores! Even if they missed Med/Surg. and the Engineering’s, they still had other glamorous options: Industrial Chemistry; Optometry, Polymer & Textile, etc. Those of us in the Arts faced the bleak clouds of Archaeology and Library Science. I really held “Library Science” in the greatest disdain. What complex scientific processes lay in dusting books off shelves and arranging them? Well, that was me, an ignorant teen, never yet heard of catalogues, indexing and the mix.

Law was therefore the only Arts left, every other thing was Science. Even Fine Arts; was “Applied”; and thus scientific. Faced with the derision of my more intelligent peers, I should have argued that giving evidence in court is a logical procedure leading to a possibly empirical conclusion. Plus, there is a whole lot of experimenting; with junior lawyers. (But I did not know all these then)

Well, JAMB held me back, not once; twice! All this while, I endured mum’s scathing tongue at every careless move. By the end of the 2^nd idle year, I jumped into English and Literary Studies. Oh, no. I told my friends it was English and Literary Sciences.  And I wasn’t lying. Linguistics has series of theories and hypotheses to cloak it with a science hue. I was finally living the dream: Budding Scientist.  Armed with the skills to analyse things and go all abstract; I was ready to conquer the world. But that nagging feeling that ‘mere analyses' of other people’s works may not sustain a credible livelihood, pushed me to yet another dalliance with JAMB.  And bingo! This time, I passed!

No celebratory parties though!  My (much younger) sister was also getting into school...at her first try! Plus, she was a pure science student. So my celebration was rightly muted. I was going to be “papa” with a bunch of underage folks. Or so I thought. Until I got into my new Law Class and also found that there was a concept called evening law; reserved solely for my grandmother’s contemporaries.

That first year; I was easily top of my class. Buoyed by past experience in a higher institution, and there was only one Law course that year. Subsequently, my grades pegged me to my rightful place- eons behind the myriad sharp-brains in my Class. There is always a smarter lawyer: Lesson Number One.

They were everywhere, sharp young dudes, and girls! Large books, painstakingly crafted lecture Notes and unimpeachable Study Groups. This was it. It was either you studied or you faced the music. And I chose the latter, literally. It is a sore reflection in my credentials as a lawyer that after Five years in the Law Faculty, I am mostly remembered for having faced the music. Fortunately my employers have consistently skipped this disturbing fact; so far.

Lesson Two: Girls will not sway and drool when you emerge with your well starched black and white “”with tie”. Lawyers experience as much heartbreak as other mortals.  And your persuasive skills would not avail an iota of advantage in court-ship.

Now I am here...

After an uneventful Law school experience, made more gruelling by the fact that talking with girls in the night was outlawed. Faced with evil janitors, every heterosexual conversation had to be carried out under shadowy premises. Innocent conversations, largely; typically from a girl who needed clarifications on that question you had asked at Company Law Class. But you would emerge with a knowing smirk. It was for the benefit of the lads. Once you sighted them, you would throw a casual hand over the shoulders of your companion. Enugu climate cooperated too. Chances being that, in the blistering cold, she would snuggle close. And your reputation was built: Silent Sniper.

Lesson Three: A lawyer can lie to everyone else successfully, but he must still face the truth alone. The midnight cravings never waned. And many young Law students despite exhortations to the contrary were known to...er... take matters into their own hands.

After Law School, employment (or its lack) loomed. Oh, not forgetting that brazen patch of NYSC.  There we lay in a desolate Camp; at the mercy of half-literate soldiers who never failed to rub home the fact that might is always right. The prettiest girls were drawn to their rugged machismo leaving us with a sickening realization that all one left school with was ‘big grammar’ and little else: Lesson Number 4.

Employed as a corper, you discovered that you were the lowest of the low. Even the casual and informal workers made you subservient. Added to this, you tried to impress your first boss with Latin maxims (which she had totally forgotten) and she cruelly pegged you down so many notches that you started believing your Certificate was a fluke. Gradually, you were being prepared for the real world: The world of a Lawyer. You slowly learn that a Lawyer is not randomly talkative but measured, deliberate and discerning.

I learnt even more. Stranded in an organisation with dwindling business; I was forced to join the Sales Team to hawk unwanted telephone sets to unwilling buyers. Initially the shocking impact  threw me off the mighty high horse of legal knowledge. But slowly, I started feeling the breath of the street in me.  I merged soullessly with the hum of Lagos traffic, learning the nooks, the lingo and the dark tastes. Slowly, I was building even more formidable capacity.

I left Lagos eventually and got into Abuja where I learnt firsthand, the width of the gap between the very rich and the rest. Settled to specialist Law practice (or at least, as apprentice to a Specialist). Everyday: the files, the briefs the clients. The transactions; the travels; the network.  The overwhelming urge to throw off the restricting baggage of jacket and ties, and get all grimy and dirty in the mindless pursuit of the nation’s wealth.

My Lawyer life has not been that horrible though. Definitely not boring! A few rascals, namely- Oduenyi, KK, Rep and E-Brown guarantee that. Also, Beer remains the favoured past-time and in these days of insecurity, one remains compulsorily sober; so the girlfriends (and eventual wives) do not mind, much. 

It is a beautiful life: and today; the celebration of another year.

I have learnt to cling closely to each new day like a perishable treasure. It is a time to recount God’s blessings to me and to my family. A time to appreciate the sublime gift of friends. A time to enjoy the incisive camaraderie of the Unstarched Collar bloggers.  A time to revel in the dreams of possible projects and future milestones to be conquered. A time to say a necessary prayer for strength to overcome the challenges of the future...

Somehow, I have fallen into a comfortable routine with my bosses, and life may just get a bit too normal. Maybe one day, the Muse will inspire me to  stir the hornet’s nests; and face the music one final time.

Happy Birthday Barrister Massai! 

Lessons from a Fuel Queue

Credit: Google Images

I stared out idly from the creaky taxi-cab, watching the stretch of tired cars strewn carelessly within miles of any fuel station. I gave a resigned sigh at this recurrent image in our national kaleidoscope, and reached for my headphones to escape into the therapy of the Cranberries. The driver’s angry grumbles halted me.

He was demonstrating wildly as we sauntered three blocks past the junction I had told him I would stop at. “Why you tell me say na for ICPC u go stop! I no dey go again! Listen oga, after this junction, i swear I go park here and u must pay me my moni!”. Ordinarily, I would flare, but his reddened eyes testified to the agonizing hours he had spent waiting for the smug fuel sellers to rouse themselves for pre-dawn sales. Eventually, when it got to his turn, he would only be able to afford half-tank, and now, the half tank is dwindling, and the day’s bottom-line has not been nearly met. Plus, it’s a Friday!

I calmed him, and agreed to give an extra 200 bucks for the excess journey. His expression changed instantly “haba oga no be say i wicked o, na this country dey cause am o...” and he went into an animated comparative ramble on democracy and military rule.  I tuned off.  When I alighted, I watched him struggle with more guilt-ridden half apologies. I waved them off with a smile, it wasn’t his fault.

That was when it struck me that the Fuel crisis creates a perfect metaphor for our country, and its citizens. It demarcates us all into the typical classes we struggle in, everyday.  Here goes:

1.    The Black Market Sellers:

In our everyday life, these represent the Contract chasers; those half-schooled charlatans that benefit from loopholes in the system. They are products of illegality and expertly navigate past every statutory/regulatory structure to win deals. Of course, lacking the abilities to do anything with the technical contracts, they outsource them via auction-type arrangements. Once they espy another poor consultant frustrated by the dearth of due process, they swoop on him, wielding their siphons, then rush off to another victim, gloating at the huge payoff, while the consultant is tortured to merely meet the project deliverables, all hopes of possible profit having died after the 70% compulsory fee demanded by the jobbers.

2.    The Fuel Attendants:

These represent the junior officers in public service. They mill around the offices idly, and their workday fritters to a regular uneventful end. Visitors walk past them every day without the least recognition of their presence. They could be naked, or dressed in rags, nobody notices. They are that insignificant. But in times of crisis, when the gates are closed on all callers and the big oga doesn’t want to see anybody that is not on appointment; they suddenly become relevant. You then find their hitherto humble demeanours give way to grandiose scowls. They take forever to produce the visitors’ form; shuffle into the building and emerge hours later to inform you that oga cannot see you now. Desperate, you beg and supplicate; you remember to line their palms with currency notes which they take without thanks, casting a quick eye to measure the quantum. Beautiful girls happily avail them their phone numbers, and smartly dressed gents obsequiously croon “mummy” “big daddy”. And they are ruthless. You are briskly marched out by the security if you try to claim right.  They know that when the system reverses itself, they would be forced back into the ignominy of anonymity. But, in the meantime, they rule.

3.    The Motorists who don’t queue but bribe their way in:

These are the VIPs. No, they are not the politicians. They are the private-sector rich. They don’t have time to queue for due process; time is money. In fact, they appear to enjoy a crisis, because it is only in such deteriorated situations that the fine line that distinguishes them from the proletariats is made evident. Willingly, they pay more for less, and emerge, looking busy and snorting at these other fools who don’t understand the value of time. Their wealth isolates them from the ugliness of the country, and they lead merry, cheery lives in the midst of the rot. A unique breed of ostriches, they bury their heads in gold. They are the biggest suckers, because they have the means to drive change, but do not see it.

4.    The Motorists who queue and grumble:

This is the VON. (Very Ordinary Nigerian). Pummelled on all sides by bad policy; he suffers all the consequent impact, and bears the highest stress levels. They shove and snap at themselves, irritated by the unsavoury mirror images they represent for each other. They stare wistfully at the VIPs and dream of rising to a level where they can pay their way past ‘minor inconveniences.’ They despise other members of their large community and yell: “if body dey pain you; why u no go pay 500 Naira to avoid queue!” They foster a sense of abject powerlessness, and offer their willing backs to the buffets of the big system..

5.    The Pipeline Vandals/Hoarders of Fuel:

Perennially faceless. You hear of them and their actions generate a harsh domino effect on the rest of society, but they are never caught. They run the system...they are the government. 

The Legal Arguments against Friday Beer

Credit: Google Images

When women post gleeful smileys of TGIF, I wonder where their excitements lie. Surely, the prospect of merely retiring to a lengthy warm bath and heavy dinner is not that groundbreaking; especially, when their significant dudes are happily away to some remote joint, drinking beer and making merry. Slowly, I have come to decipher TGIF as what it really is in a girl’s eyes: a message of hope that someday, the dudes will finally realize that the thrills of the day are best shared in the home.  Unfortunately, they wish in vain: Boys will always be boys. And many more tender hearts are broken, weekly.

Women will certainly agree that it has become necessary to introduce a stricter position to this scenario, by imposing the Law on these errant males. Given the platform, their draft-argument will run a bit like this:

For the purposes of this discussion, we shall view every household, whether enabled by mere consent, traditional law or divine approval as a self-sufficient, sovereign unit. In this regard, it shall be empowered to run its internal administration under a strict body of regulated rules.  First, since the progress of every household is determined by how well it applies its budget to such necessaries as food, shelter and clothing (Please Note that this third item extends to jewelry, Brazilian hair and such other accessories as may be in vogue); it shall be criminal for the leadership of the household to misappropriate same in nurturing trivial habits.

Further, our collective Rights to Life as women are consistently endangered by this habit. Yes, we may not have minded so much in view of the correlation which alcohol has with the male libido, but in the circumstances, robbed of their full mental comportment, there is an application of excessive force, enough to result in grievous bodily harm. Therefore, whenever the man becomes inebriated to the level of insanity, we propose a temporary appointment of legal guardians (chosen to fit our secret fantasies) to act on their behalf during the period of mental incapacity.  

Also, since our society deems it unseemly for a woman to go out at night unaccompanied by her spouse or partner, the absence of our men on Fridays constitutes a violation to our Rights to Free Movement. We are forced to stay indoors and watch the night exhaust its excitements, while we suffer the tortures of Channel 114. That is when we are lucky! Because, in most cases, the generator-fuel allowance is compromised to feed the man’s evil Friday habit, and we are consigned to the humid darkness all night, in manifest contravention of  the Dignity of the Human Person.

The woman’s roles as a home-maker depend solely on her right to Free Speech. Thus, in whatever manner she prefers to act, by nagging or fretting, she should be given a platform to exercise this, and be fairly heard too (at least within a few miles of the neighborhood). But with the man’s fixation on alcohol, she is denied this essential right.  At that precise hour of the Friday night when she best deploys this tool to assess the ending week, the man snores away, drunk!  He claims Freedom of Assembly when he embarks on his unholy sojourns with a questionable entourage of noisy friends, but we shall heed that no longer. By Law, Free Assembly must not precipitate uprising or war. And since most of the clashes in the household are remotely triggered by the excesses of Friday night, it cannot be lawful to congregate over such an explosive subject matter as- drinking beer.

We continually suffer discrimination on the basis of sex, when the men state that they are hanging out with the boys. We shall no longer be silent. Most importantly, our Right to own Property (which is set in motion by that blissful act of Shopping) is constantly breached by Friday nights, because the cars keep getting smashed in as the men speed drunkenly, and all the resources that could have enabled our purchases are channeled to repairs.  

Worst of all, Friday night beer encourages our men’s association with that unwholesome sub-genre of womanhood that walk the nights and we must fight vigorously to reclaim our rightful places.  

Therefore, we propose that Friday Beer be pronounced illegal by Law; seeing that it is contrary to the healthy development of family life and consequently  corrupts our collective morals as a society. The only exception to the law should be that: any man that takes his wife, girlfriend, or partner along during Friday night hangouts for three consecutive weekends shall become entitled to one unsupervised hangout in a month.  This concession shall however be subject to a written representation that the hangout shall not jeopardize steady supply of treats and gifts to the said spouse. 

Defaulting men shall be ordered to pay for an exclusive 2-week holiday (inclusive of comprehensive vouchers covering shopping and Spa) for the aggrieved spouse to facilitate her recuperation from the emotional trauma.

In severe cases of default, the aggrieved woman may apply and obtain a younger male escort to temporarily carry out the usual activities of her partner for up to six months, at the end of which period she may elect to make the transfer absolute. And if she so elects, a larger percentage of the man’s estate shall be assigned to her on the grounds that  habitual intoxication has rendered him incapable of administering same. It shall not be a defence that the man is sober during the rest of the week: strong beginnings should not fritter out to weak-ends.  Moreso, no good relationship survives in the face of bottled up desires.

TGIF!