BABA "SUE-WE" AND OTHER STORIES

Google Images

SHIT HAPPENS...

For an ageing comedian in a highly competitive market, life can get quite shitty. A fact Mr. Suwe has no further doubts about after the rigours of running the NDLEA and Press gauntlet these past weeks. But like all works of comedy; the ending is happy! 25 million is a fortune in any currency, no matter how devalued. The roar of victory is so loud that the little details of ‘Appeal’ or ‘practical difficulties in securing effective enforcement of judgment debts’ are stifled in the minds of his jubilant supporters. I try to rejoice with him, but the cynic in all lawyers rears its ugly grey head.  Yes, the NDLEA had reasonable suspicion which is  grounds enough to arrest and detain; no doubts, but they had made the whole process unlawful by not preferring a charge within the stipulated time frame. Rudimentary constitutional details known to every paralegal in the world. But when the curtains are down on this show, the habitual heavy handedness of law enforcement/security may have the last laugh. They routinely maneuver past the long winded turanchi of the courts, and if the bloody civilian plaintiff feels so bad about it; make im carry gun na! (Refer to: Miss Okere v. Nigerian Navy)

WE ALWAYS KNEW THESE SENATORS WERE HAVING A BLAST!

Condemnation is the easiest emotion for the human mind. This is why we remain thankful to the Law for often diluting that emotion with its myriad technicalities- until it becomes a question of mere arguments.  Definitely, the menace of terrorism awakens the most vengeful feelings; and all will rejoice to see a scapegoat landed. But tarry! the Law whispers, wagging a cautionary finger. If our emotions push us to fall so readily for claims of a man who is in the profession of blowing up cities, then there is something wrong with the society. An arrest is necessary of course; but until the facts are proven, we merely clutch at straws. And, however much we want to circle our bunched fists around the average Senator’s neck, we cannot.  That is the curse of lawyers…so we must let the Law run its curse.

HELL HATH NO FARI...       

Women are the weaker sex. Many believe this... to their peril. Test that fact by casually breaking up with a woman that has given you her all. It might help to make the announcement while she is in the kitchen, holding a cutting blade and standing by a panful of hot oil. Now, before we make zealous rants about the propriety of Mr. President’s treatment of the former EFCC boss, place yourself in his shoes. The woman involved here is not standing by a cooking pot, but she is highly placed in a paramilitary establishment, complete with every requisite judo/karate belts, and conceals combat reddened eyes behind black shades. You will agree then, that the radio was a safer medium to make that call. 
I would have shrugged indifferently with the rest at the turn of events (Police has never really been the lawyer’s friend); but then, I hear talk of employing retired judges to that position, and I say, a big no! Retired judges are our sacred cows. They are noble images of the profession. We would not have them mixed with the corrupting aspects of the Executive and Legislature; and at the whims of the president. No way! Let the people notoriously skilled in issues of corruption be used to bait the perpetrators. In fact, let a separate court be established for their processes, made up of police-lawyers and judges. The Law does not want to associate with the dismal fact that the country’s decade-long battle with corruption has only purchased a new phrase into our national lexicon: Plea Bargaining.

MEETING THE BOTTOM-LINE OF GAY MARRIAGES

Everybody has been inspired to read about the late Apple chief; Steve Jobs. Our legislators have evidently joined the queue. At last, they seem to be learning how to pass richer Bills.  Unfortunately, they proceed with their characteristic bottoms-up approach, and we are now faced with prospects of legalizing same-sex marriage.

In the words of Wilhelm Reich, the 20^th Century psychologist, a world dedicated to pursuit of bone-rattling orgasm is a world free of strife. 
In a way, he has a point. The peaceful wave of contentment that necessarily accompanies a shattering climax, if repeated frequently will turn us all into sheepish pacifists; and the world will know peace.  Now, Mr. Reich did not specify the preferred mode of the orgasm nor did he detail the ideal combination of players. A piece of ambiguity which our Laws also imbibed when stating that discrimination should never be visited to a person on grounds of “sex”. (it remains for a court to translate "sex" as herein used- either as the state of being male or female, or as the preferred modes of performing the sexual act). So while the argument rages; I helplessly stare on, mute. This is a subject where unfortunately the Law has failed to avail us with effective anal-ysis.

CLASSIC OXYMORON: PRIVATIZATION AS A GOVERNMENT INITIATIVE

Well, at least it feels good to see the Vice President appear as a separate individual (as opposed to a deaf and mute attachment to the President’s apron strings) once in a while. But then, maybe it is better he remains silent, if all he does is toe that same line that will unflinchingly yield the same results. Listen to excerpts off the VP’s speech on the Privatization topic: “The objective of the Committees (a committee of already employed public officers) is to facilitate the development of the general policy direction of the government for the effective management of the privatization programme…” . (We note here that the above Committees, came in three broad categories, namely: Sector Steering Committees, Standing Committees and Ad-hoc Steering Committees).

The reticent VP continued: “You are enjoined to work assiduously to make the consummation of all transactions a reality and ensure that the privatized companies are successfully run. Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen, you are also enjoined to do your very best to ensure that the transactions are accomplished through internationally accepted best practices and standards.” Same old crap!

I was at an event recently where the idea of a Sustainable Business Incubation Project was being discussed. Everybody was vehement in their opinion that government should not be included in the stakeholder list. And if they must; they need to be given mere token roles.  Our reality makes unemployment a private matter; beyond the competence of government. So, what ends would a government-led privatization process serve? Creation of more employment for already saturated public officials? Where are the technocrats and the entrepreneurs in the Steering committees? Already, you can see that the Will is not there to drive the idea any inch beyond the stale stereotype. I’m tired already. 

Have a great Weekend

8 STRIKING SIMILARITIES BETWEEN A PRESIDENT AND A LAWYER

Art by Sugabelly

Here a few pointers…

1.      FUSS and Her BOTTLE!

Now, we all know that lawyers incline towards Minority Protection. (This may be because the majority largely ignores them). It may also have its root in a certain Company Law case- Foss v. Harbottle. The Presidency also toes this line.

Copy: Huge security details around a select tiny group of persons and places whenever the country heats up. Also, when a disenchanted minority agitates and becomes too much of a threat; they are immediately compensated beyond what is available to the majority. Now you may notice that as a result, a new attitude is developing towards the State: Create a big Fuss, and Her bottle (of goodies) will be availed you. Sadly, the majority remains timid, and the more militant minority groups earn the negotiated attentions of the State.

2.       THERE IS FACT AND THERE IS TRUTH

Ask the lawyer; Fact is different from Truth. However, they co-exist in a complex relationship that is complementary and at the same time self contradictory; a bit like those two hilarious creations of Lewis Carroll- Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Yes, truth is reality. But fact is proven reality. (The ‘proving’ process of course is won by the party who makes the louder noise). A few handy illustrations: A full year after the Fuel Subsidy crisis, SURE-P has failed to materialize. (truth).  The Government has not relented in its concerted efforts to provide succour from the stings of the Subsidy removal (Fact). There is no security for the common man (truth). The presidency has developed partnerships strategically positioned to arrest insecurity (Fact). Good arguments create facts. Bring in a number of witnesses (read: propaganda); and you have a water-tight case. Truth therefore fails to mature to fact when it is not presented in a visible medium of argument. Thus, if the holders of the truth are voiceless; sorry, they lose!

3.      ACTION means “WORDS”

To the lay man, Legal ‘action’ sounds like an affirmative activity; for example, punching a defaulter in the eye.  But it actually means a battle of words, complete with opposing counsel and a public gallery. Presidential action is the same; a plethora of words. Copy: “The Presidency shall take urgent action on the Benin-Ore Road.” This translates as- we have instituted a committee to chair a public hearing to discuss the initial report on the issue. In the law courts, during legal action, counsel debate and adjourn to make further findings. And this may last forever. Presidential action functions in no less a manner- The committees adjourn and retreat to some cosy island to work out forward looking modalities. Afterwards, members of the opposition are invited to a press conference to continue the debate. The decision is summarized in a report and another retreat is organized for a follow up summit to develop a viable Action plan.

4.      GROWTH is measured by Number of JUNIORS.

As a lawyer, if you run a scanty office, you have gone nowhere at all. Nobody cares about how efficiently your small establishment operates. On the day of reckoning, you would not smell the juicy plums of SAN-ship. Therefore, the more juniors you have milling about your office, the more visibly effective your Firm is.  Let them swarm around, even if they just help carry your briefcase and dust your files. The ideal Law office should be an unending buzz of motion. Hemmingway failed this one when he said – never mistake motion for action. He did not recall that motions are the fulcrum of legal action. Now the Presidency’s operations are a perfect clone of this scenario: Once you are elected(?); employ an unprecedented number of ministers (Make sure to double the figure of the last regime). Carve out more commissions, agencies and department. More juniors! Of course, each department should have a Special Adviser who has a PA. A typical chain of command should run: The Chief Assistant to the Personal Assistant to the Special Adviser to the Chairman of the Presidential Advisory Committee on blah blah blah…

5.      NEVER MISS THE RIGHT “PARTY”

The fearful warning issues to every aspiring lawyer: You will never be called to the Bar if you ever miss dinner, or any like designated social gathering of the Legal Council! Yes, even if you make a First Class grade, missing one Dinner is enough to mar you. Yes, the Council does not give two forks, literally. The Presidency has the same orientation. You can achieve all you will in professional service, business, or politics, but if you miss out on the right Party, forget it. Awards and medals will always flow, but do not ever stop to imagine that you will make the Honours list. Merit and Positions go to those who are present and registered in the designated Parties. Otherwise; you are not fit and proper...

6.      ALWAYS ANNOUNCE YOUR APPEARANCE, FEARFULLY

Boldness is the mark of the good lawyer. Thus, when they appear in court, they do not timidly mumble their names. No, they stand up with all the majesty they can muster. They sweep their flowing robes in a swish of flamboyance (maybe knocking up the heads of a few poor counsel sitting nearby) and pronounce their names in that slow and deliberate manner that jars a sense of their fearsomeness into the minds of the litigants huddled at the public gallery. The Presidency announces his appearance no less vigorously. The wailing sirens are usually not enough, and must be accompanied by menacing soldiers with furiously contorted features, wielding clubs and SMGs. Did the good Machiavelli not say that it is better to be respected than to be loved? The masses can borrow a leaf: To feel the sweetness of power, you need to inspire fear… not love.

7.       NEVER ACCEPT A DEBRIEFING!

It is a mortal sin for a Lawyer to have a record of debriefing. No, you must follow a client to the bitter end. At some point in your relationship, the client’s willingness or otherwise, no longer matters. The lawyer thus becomes a necessary aspect of his life, and upon expiration, his Brief is renewed for another tenure till death do them part. (Yes; death; because judicial decisions can always be appealed against, again and again). If the client proves unduly troublesome, the lawyer simply inserts the necessary ‘claws’ that ensure a carry-over of pending issues to a compulsory next term. Now, need we illustrate how this applies to the Presidency? One Term is never enough. And who gives a damn what the voters think?

8.       And FINALLY…

The presidency is at liberty to experiment with the nation’s economy as it pleases. After all, Lawyers assure that - the worst possible scenario for capital offences is… debt.

I rest. 

THE DAY THE MULE KICKED (A TALE OF TWO LAWYERS)

                Guest written by Ken Uzim

Art by Sugabelly

The New Recruit had a fancy Masters’ degree and a funny accent. Bespoke tailoring and a top-of-the-range mobile office. In the words of the HR Manager, he was “…brimming with the sartorial urbanity of a supremely confident professional and possessed demonstrable expertise in telecoms law. A most invaluable addition to the pool of specialists required for exponential growth of the Office’s business”.

The Chairman approved and they hired him on the spot. They made him a Senior Manager, four cadres above the long-suffering office mule, Eze. Eze, whose only claim to ‘offshore content’ was a laminated cardboard ‘Identification Tag’ dangling from a loop of colored rope, which was given to him during a workshop on the modalities for cross-border network expansion that he attended in the Niger Republic. 

How Eze so cherished that offshore badge of honor! It had a pride of place at his workstation. It represented the one and only time, in his five years of drudgery in the Office –without promotion or pay rise - that he had traveled beyond the shores of the country on business. It mattered not to him that the journey involved a Chanchangi flight to Sokoto via Abuja and an overland, twelve hour trip in an open Hilux truck through the rugged rocky plains of no-man’s land that separated our French-speaking neighbors from the Northern borders.

Eze was proud of the trip, nonetheless and took several snapshots of the giraffes whose – in his words, “majestic” – strides across the road, constantly punctuated the journey. He would be quick to retort at any meddlesome inquirer seeking to mock his means of travel that he would not have beholden any of those ‘majestic’ creatures if he had travelled by air. Not like Eze could have travelled by air anyways. You see, there was no direct commercial flight from here to Niger; so, you would have to fly Air France to Paris and connect Niamey but Eze was considered too small a fry in the Office’s pond for such an executive treatment. Eze insisted he would still choose to travel by road should he ever have the opportunity again. As if he had a say in the matter!

Eze’s workstation was a box-sized cube in the Office’s shop floor, crammed end-to-end with burgeoning paper files. His writing desk, oftentimes, was on his laps as the only available free space on his table was already taken up by the keyboard. The Office was cutting costs, you see, and believed in optimal utilization of every square inch of the premium space. The New Recruit, however, had a corner space to himself, an enclosed cubicle with an oversized mahogany desk and fireproof filing cabinets. Unlike Eze, the New Recruit had a well-stocked refrigerator for ‘refresher time-outs’ and a dedicated air-conditioning unit not subject to the petulant whims of the central cooling system.

It was true that Eze had no post-graduate training, whether offshore or otherwise, nor did he possess the affable dapperness of the New Recruit, but Eze had grown on the job: poring over files and relevant laws, being hands-on in regard to legal issues touching on the Office’s telecommunication business and making good friends with experience. However, the powers-that-be believed that Eze’s ‘wealth of on-the-job experience’ was trumped by the glossy embossed certificate, issued to the New Recruit by one outlandish university in the remote reaches of the United Kingdom.

And so it was that Eze’s monthly pay remained a paltry fraction of the New Recruit’s weekend allowance. Was Eze grumbling? No. Was he envious? May be. Was he moved to spite? To resentment? If he was, he masked them well. He remained his old self, slowly and silently being buried under the mounting pile of paperwork that overran his desk.

By and by, it came to be that the Overlord of the Penthouse, as the Chairman was known, found out that the Office was being owed arrears of interconnect debts running into hundreds of millions of Naira. The errant debtor, despite collecting and aggregating these monies up front at the time calls were terminated, had failed to remit the Office’s share. The Overlord was livid. It was bad enough that he had to find out by himself that a liability of such magnitude existed in favor of the Office but what he found ‘criminally unpardonable’ was that none of his Executives or mid-management staff had brought the spiraling debt to his attention.

Legal, give me advice ASAP on what can be done immediately to mitigate our losses!

The New Recruit’s return mail was brisk: Disconnect them from the Networks, sir.

Meanwhile, Eze, who had received the same email from the Overlord wrote a reply to the New Recruit ‘for-your-eyes-only’ pointing out that the NCC regulations forbade disconnection of interconnect partners by operators on any ground whatsoever without recourse to the Commission, but the email went straight to the New Recruit’s junk mail folder, where, he had directed all emails from the disdained mule.

And so it was that the interconnect partner got disconnected, subscribers who couldn’t access the interconnect network complained and it got to the ears of the NCC who investigated what had happened and found out there had been a disconnection and instantly slammed the Office with a hefty fine for breach of regulations and advertised the fine in the National dailies, for deterrence.

The Overlord was mightily embarrassed. The Office inquisition was short and swift. The New Recruit was summarily dismissed for giving wrong legal advice and for ignoring the email warning against unilateral disconnection. Eze was promoted two levels with increased benefits.

But Eze submitted his resignation letter that same day and walked out of the Office taking only the keepsake from the Niger Republic.

They say he now runs his own private practice advisory on telecommunication laws.

In the Case of SAMSON v. THE FOOTBALL FEDERATION (A Sneak Preview)

(DISCLAIMER: The following article is entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead and other similarities to real-life circumstances are purely accidental and the author offers his sincere regrets)

We got in touch with the Mr. Samson’s legal team and they let us in on their proposed arguments. We are overawed by the pure genius and cannot help reproducing them here for our readers:

Your Lordship, for no ascertainable reason, the defendant (hereinafter “the Football Federation”) has always given our client a raw deal despite the fact that he always maintained a quiet and harmlessly brooding mien, and stayed free of controversy. If you recall my Lord, in his days as a player, they gave him the Number 13 jersey despite strong historical evidence that the number bodes ill-luck.  All pleas by our client bounced off their obdurate ears, and my Lord, we all recall the consequences only too vividly. Our client missed that crucial penalty in the semi-finals against Cote d’Ivoire at Tunisia ‘94 and almost gave the nation a collective thrombosis before the game suddenly turned around on its head.  

Yet, our client’s insistence on a Jersey change was scorned as superstition and there was even talk of dropping him from the team until that second game in the USA 94 World Cup against Argentina. My Lord no doubt joined the euphoric crowd of Nigerians to celebrate our client’s excellent strike.  Yes, we eventually lost to suspect officiating, but we joined the golden ranks of underdogs who scored against the Diego-era of Argentina. Why? Because our client had persevered and obtained a jersey change! (He wore the Number 12 at the competition!) We are constrained to add here that a certain Mr. Ezeugo who inherited the number 13 got involved in a career threatening car crash shortly after the Mundials. Enough said.

Thankfully, our client continued to enjoy blistering form in his meritorious sojourn in France and was deservedly due to retire to quiet enjoyment of well earned splendor. But no, the Football Federation sought him out again. We, his legal team expressed reservations at that initial offer because the Federation has a long history of turning brilliant men to piteous wreckages. But our client humbly accepted to do service to the Fatherland. But our hunch was proved right. The defendants wielded another raw deal in that offer. 

Now, everybody knows that our nation is jinxed in the Under 20 FIFA Championship. We have been so destined since the climax of the Damman Miracle, and every other thing has remained, well…an anti climax. My Lord you can see now that this was another obvious trap to tarnish our client’s golden career. But no doubts sir, you were a witness to how things eventually played out. The trap failed woefully, because although the jinx swallowed our client nonetheless, the circumstances of his defeat kept him on the right side of public opinion, thus throwing a spoke in the wheels of the malevolent defendants.

And, at this juncture my Lord, we would like to move for the National teams of Argentina to be joined as necessary defendants to this suit. Yes, that second defeat at their hands, has been trailing our client’s career in an uncanny way. We suspect some kind of ghoulish vengeance for that daring strike in ‘94 referred to in foregoing paragraphs.

My Lord, the defendants arm-twisted our client to continue to the Beijing Olympics and mandated him to achieve Olympic gold. We saw how he bravely steered the lads all the way to the final. Again, the Argentines (!) stood in the way. My Lord, as usual, the voice of the people moved justice to our client’s favour again. The chants got alarmingly close to threats of anarchy if the Federation ever sacked him. (My Lord certainly understands what anarchy portends for the judicial institution, and we hope this reference serves as useful practice direction).  

However, in the face of unending mediocrities we continued recording at the senior team level, (compounded by yet another cheap defeat by Argentina [again!] at the Mundials; the defendants sneaked up to our client yet again. Our client accepted; and in his characteristic commitment to God (My Lord recalls that his inaugural speech was a gospel tune) and country, he failed to see through the glaring jealousies at work in the Football Federation.

We advised him on the warning signs when the defendants paraded a suspiciously weak (Argentine!!!) team against our senior team which he had given the needed face-lift. Our client scaled through; and the Federation yielded to the alien concept of a second leg in a friendly match (!) just to catch him short.  When defeat only made Nigerians chant his name the more; the defendants executed the ultimate coupe de grace. They infiltrated his camp. His goalkeeper was turned berserk, and on that final agonizing day against the Guineans; the fair legs of his once lethal winger grew leaden and stiff.

The defendants could not resist their glee when the hitherto supportive public poll grew hazy and in the ensuing confusion, they struck- by purporting to SACK him. But my Lord, this Samson may be bald but he is no push-over, emboldened by our robust Legal Practice.

The argument on the other side is that our client failed to meet the milestones stated in his contract. They insist that he was mandated to attain the semi-final spot at the African Nations Cup next year. .But my Lord, we did not even reach the competition on account of force majeure! Oh yes! The sweltering Abuja heat on that fatal match-day was a natural disaster that obviously interfered with seamless performance of his obligations under the contract. Now, if the country had reached the competition and failed to get to the semis, we would not task the time of the court and would gladly accept the defendant’s debriefing.

Here we wish to refer to the case of Avram Grant v. Chelsea (2008, UCL) wherein the plaintiff had been wrongfully sacked because of failure to attain European glory. Of course the highhanded defendant-employer paid millions in compensation, because there was no laid down expectation, thus no failure to perform; therefore the sack was unjustified. The similarity to our case is striking My Lord. The contract was silent on what the liabilities were if the country failed to qualify! And my Lord, it is trite Law that the express mention of something implies automatic exclusion of the unmentioned ones. (Expressio unis est exclusio alterius!)

In the light of the foregoing, we hereby seek the following orders from this Honourable court:

·         That the position of the Chief Coach of the country’s senior team be declared vacant pending the final determination of this suit; and until such further period as counsel on either side have fully and finally exhausted their respective rights to Appeal up to the apex court.

·         That a compensation of Two Billion pounds (amounting to the financial value that would have accrued to our client if he had accepted offers in Europe these last six years) be awarded our client. We gather that Chelsea FC looked his way when they bought his protégé midfielder. (We urge that you dismiss the defendant’s position that our client would not have survived 6 years under Chelsea’s tempestuous ownership-  as mere speculative conjecture)

·         Public Apology from the Argentine senior and age-group teams, as well as a directive to FIFA to stand down any fixture between the two countries for the next ten years.

·         That Mr. Odemwinge be fined a year’s wages in both club and country for “refusing to play” against the Guineans. (See the case of Tevez v. Manchester City (unreported)

My Lord, we humbly close our case with the maxim: Those who live in Glass Houses should not throw stones.

THE END

TRICK OR TREAT? (The Lawyer’s Halloween Story)

Google images

Often we have heard it said that the Legal profession is a jealous mistress. Here, the flippant reader may point out that as a rule, most jealous mistresses are also unattractive. But we shall not be drawn into that argument.  The Law exhibits no more violent reaction than any female whose place in a man’s heart is under threat and will nag and fight, claw and bite, to restrain him from the lures of other callings. Like every possessive lass, the Law insists on making Life one long, unending courtship, and will put one through massive rigours in the quest for perfection. It is therefore no coincidence in the profession to say that Practice makes perfect.

So how did lawyers end up in this chokehold-romance? Well, it is the inevitable consequence of failing Math. This in itself is food for thought when expressed this way: Math is all about logic. You must fail Math to be a Lawyer. Yet, Lawyers decide the fate of society- by applying logic. (And the result is blind arguments. No wonder Justice is equally blind)

Back to the subject. Being such an abject failure in Math, the lawyer desperately turns to English. He must create a kind of balance by mastering the language beyond ordinary (and useful) application. So he devours the dictionaries and encyclopedias, derisively snorting at fiction and other lively writings. He digs for the roots of words and burrows through thick covers of the Thesaurus to guarantee an ample barrage of heavy-sounding synonyms. He is egged on by his tutors: “Talking is the Lawyer’s stock in trade, learn more words!” In his defective logic, he misses the irony when people offer low fees for his “services”. And the bewildered client rolls his eyes “Did they not say Talk is cheap?”

For his cheekiness, the client is dragged through the agony of multi-paragraphed affidavits, wherein he only recognizes his name amidst a befuddling mass of archaism. He further bears the cross during court examinations and comes out sweating, more than willing to settle out of that torture chambers they call - Courtroom. The lawyer smiles inwardly. Even if he is an utter imbecile at balancing equations, his Bank statement never fails to balance on account of his wordsmithery.

But Math shows its supremacy again. Technology!

While the Law sets out to make us all into wizened conservatives scared of stepping beyond the straight and narrow, Technology frees the merry, wayfaring adventurer in us. We squeal gleefully at another new toy in the market, frantically jostling for the latest designs. Nobody is spared. The old, the rich, the young and the struggling. Nobody stays the same after experiencing the seductive Blackberry touch. The world is launched into the exhilarating social media where all things are bright and beautiful. “LOL” removes the sting from all transgressions, and the “like” button maintains social equilibrium. We do not take it beyond that Zuckerberg fellow to add a new application- the “Facebook-Jury” and thus, place guilt/innocence at the realm of a digital sentence. Computer programmers never rest on their oars. Daily, algorithms and other complex numberings flow from their heads and assume the shape of more smart gadgets. The Ipads, the Galaxys…all these prove very bitter tablets for the Law’s ingestion. The world is no longer patient with words!

Risking the tumultuous ire of the jealous mistress, the Lawyer tries to experiment along these new ideas. He sneaks behind his dusty libraries and opens a lap-top. All the clients have gone online, and can only be reached with hi-tech lingo. After several vigorous scratches to his head, The Lawyer stumbles on a phrase: The LAW-BLOG. Lmao! Laughing My Ass Off (yes, the Law is an ass).

Incidentally, today is Halloween, and this thought conjures a scenario in my mind:

Think of the typical Halloween costume party. (Not like I have ever been in one though). Invitations have been sent out to your most interesting friends. The dour and the dull are conveniently omitted. Nightfall approaches, and the creepy characters start emerging: Count Dracula with his exaggerated canines dragging a bloodied heart in tow. Frankenstein’s massive frame vibrates the ground as he glares wildly at impetuous kicks from a snarling Mr. Hyde. Dorian Gray’s chilling eyes speak countless horrors of corrupted youth bottled in a fragile mask; Werewolves, Vampires and Zombies huddle in dark corners shrieking gutturally. If the setting is Nigeria, the acclaimed Nollywood House of Macro would also have done a decent replica of Mr. Clifford Orji; or  better still, Mrs. Merit (from Living in Bondage) swathed in white sheets with that disturbing monotone of “Andy, Andy, Andy”. Howls and cries reverberate on all corners of the room. Everybody is a child again, terrified and having fun.

And supposing, when the last guests trickle in and the oaken door is about to be sealed from the sleeping world, a final apparition rises from the shadows. This latest entrant is quite as scary as the rest. Flowing, ominous dark robes, and a timeworn, dusty headgear. Wow! Which character is this from the ghosts of the ancient past...?

The apparition suddenly turns and reveals a bespectacled face, while intoning its best imitations of the evil dead…in Latin.

Lo! It is a Lawyer!

I bet the party will break up awhile in confusion; and the misfit brusquely shown the way out. He will go back to the arms of his jealous mistress, who will kiss him for having returned, untainted by the noisy neighbors. A most wordy lover.

Meanwhile, he will lay silent in her arms, the loud fun-fare of the night eating his heart out.

He will remain an outsider to their revelry; because the world has not yet figured out what his real roles are: To Trick or to Treat?

THE END

POSTSCRIPT: Please, wish me a Fab' Birthday; and Welcome to the Unstarched Collar BlogSpot!

THE YOUNG BAR AS THREATENED SPECIES (BOOK TWO)

 Google Images

I once sat to an out-of court settlement forum on the opposing side of a learned SAN. Daunted by the prospect, I had researched vigorously and come up with an infallible proposal, waiting eagerly to see it stun the silken one. Two hours later, my back still ached from the condescending pats he administered (good job, son! good job!...you have a bright future in the practice). Meanwhile, he had my client hopelessly seduced with his joviality- “Trust me sir, I hate court-rooms...I hope we can kill this matter before it gets there!” he crooned while making hasty red markings on my proposal. My client nodded along, blissfully unaware of how those red marks twisted his case beyond salvage.  

“You see”, the SAN started a monologue as we reclined in the leathery interior of his BMW (while I silently charted alternate courses for the transport-stipend my client had earlier provided) “It beats me completely when today’s young lawyers come up with paranoid ideas of some evil machine working on a steady grind to annihilate them. And in typical extremities of youthful ignorance, these ideas have been crystallised into a mindset. They suspect anyone upwards five years at the Bar of being part of a crew installed by ‘the system’ to operate the said evil machine.” I listened. He continued, “A quote from the 18^th century Greek, Hesiod easily comes to mind - ‘When I was a boy, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders...but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint’

I hear they are even moving for a minimum wage for young lawyers; the temerity!” He gasped, turning to me in purple faced indignation. I fixed my stare on the glittering dashboard; silence is golden. “We do them a favour when we employ them, I tell you!  For what is intelligence without experience? Law practice is a juicy morsel you can only nibble upon sprouting the teeth of experience. We help them cut their first tooth, and it is bad enough that we suffer the double jeopardy of also paying them salaries...now they want to fix the rates!  The world is surely at its twilight when we  allow the issue of fair  recompense to be determined by  some psychedelic youth forum.

And the ridiculous chants to scrap this title, our little reward for a life of drudgery in the law’s temple. They try to support this position with claims that we block them from the largesse of legalesse. Ha! These kids have outsized self-beliefs I tell you. So they really believe they can compete? Clients are not fools. Winning cases has never been about lengthy research and smart presentations. If that was the case, the law would not thrive. Forget all that talk of no-adverts, the Law sells as a brand. In the legal marketplace, we have built brands. Clients are suckers for brands. Have you never asked yourself why despite the hue and cry of our high prices, we keep winning them? Do these neonates know this? They whittle down fees to ridiculous rates, and vaunt about revolutionising legal practice to become more affordable! Refined clientele flee from such roadside peddling.

Do you think the world is blind to the falling standards in the profession? This consolidates our position as rare species, who must be optimized before the entire legal structure falls to the ruins of the young bar. I have loads of them in my employ; what do they do? Waste all their time on the social networks and Blackberries. I humbly take my fair share of blame in this. I was the one that availed them computers and internet connection in the first place. Well, I have learnt that kindness does not always pay off. And they claim to work like robots, well they do. They churn out volumes of briefs and motions but the intricate process of structuring these to a win-win situation is what they are incapable of. 
Let me tell you, intelligence without initiative is useless. Theirs is a workmans’s mentality, and we treat them as such. How often do they initiate projects? Never. They are only about their salaries and allowances. They will grow to turn the profession into a vista for the mediocre...hopefully this will transpire after my lifetime.

Yet they shout for equal rights. That in itself is a measure of their superlative ignorance. The first maxim at the Bar is seniority...an age-long exception conceeded by the concept of Equality before the Law. What are their options? To operate misguidedly and try to win clients without mentorship and make further mess of the law’s reputation which they are already doing a geat job of rubbishing? See, I have a son in High School, a precocious dude, and he’s only fifteen.. He stands a better chance of making partner in my Firm than many of those shoddy young ones. My boy already stands up to me  without cowering and never takes no for an answer, the most essential attribute of a good lawyer. I now believe that perpetual succession should be advanced in Legal practice only if subsequent take-overs are from the Principal’s lineage.

I read of newspaper articles condemning the idea of juniors carrying our bags. Oh, you think we started that practice? No! It is merely an obsequious display which the incompetent hand tries make amends with. And now they turn it around to make us look like slave-drivers.  A judge once insisted in open court that I address my staff as “colleague”, I retorted that I would be doing the profession disservice by doing that, as the fellow’s case was so hopeless. I had since convinced myself he would at best function as a paralegal, and routinely assigned him such non-intellectual tasks as....well, carrying my bag. Everyday, I pray for the rascal to resign, but he sits smiling at every thinly veiled insult I throw his way. His numb skull probably managed to register a clause in his employment contract that entitles him to an extra month’s salary upon terminantion from my side. And I will not voluntarily finance the release of that hazard to the streets.

The funny thing is that I have witnessed many previously young lawyers metamorphosize once they attain their sixth year at the Bar. They are the quickest to scorn their immediate juniors, they are quick to betray their peers for a few privileges we dangle. I enjoy setting them against one another and seeing them fight for my approving nod or thumbs-up. They preen visibly at my slightest compliments and suspend further talk of salary review or any such ambitions. I deliberately make them aware of my assets, and nurture their dog-like loyalties along with their dreams of sharing in a huge rush of profit, someday.  

I also hear they are fighting the worthy efforts to electronically verify entrants to the legal sphere. In their shallow thinking, they fail to see the prospects this has of narrowing competition. Or maybe (as my precocious son pointed out) they are saddled with discomforts that their oftentimes dubious qualifications coud be called into question.”

He paused suddenly. “How long have you been at the Bar?” The truth forced an escape through unwilling lips. “Three years sir.” His eyes moved shiftily “Oh, you must note that there are a few exceptions to the general. From your intelligent proposal, I think you have a bright road ahead. Here’s my card, if you ever need better mentoring, we can discuss terms.”

I alighted, and for once the heat waves of Abuja was welcoming. I stared at the retreating vehicle and slowly released the shreds of his Call-card to the lazy hot wind.


THE END.


First published in Thisday Newspapers: July 19, 2011

The Law has built a Democracy, which thrives without it…

Google images

“With the deepest respect, ‘Legal action’, is a contradictory concept” someone once said. I would usually respond with equally sharp retort, but I merely smiled at the jibe. I should smile; the words came from one of our high profile clients. It was at one of those who’s-got-more-nerve meetings where our firm had just detailed justifications for an upward review of our legal fees, and the clients weren’t buying- at least not without a fight. Fired on by our (shamelessly) obsequious response, (My partner was in fits of laughter) the client continued- “Of course! Lawyers never act. They merely argue over the actions of others- in retrospect.” Here, our smiles froze. His eyes twinkled at our reaction. “Damnable quote no doubt, but you must admit, with an unmistakable ring of truth” We stared limply- Retainer-packages do not usually come as big as this client, a fact not escaping his shrewdly narrowed eyes. “Well, Truth is bitter… and who wouldn’t be, when lawyers prefer the company of Lies?” This thawed us greatly, and the meeting momentarily broke up with peals of laughter.

Now, I am reading about one of the miraculously rescued Chilean miners, who last year kept us all gripping the seats in our living rooms. The report reads that this miner, Jose Ojeda is bitter. He wants his little scribble back. Please note that at the time of writing, the said scribble was simply a desperate last act; an agonized shout to a distant world crumpled up in a soiled paper-fragment, a residual stirring of hope. Six months thence, this has changed dramatically. The words “Estamos bien en el refugio los 33”- We are okay in the refuge, 33 of us- have grown iconic and famed beyond possibilities. Unfortunately for the author, the country’s president prefers to display it as a testament of collective heroism. He wants it in the national museum- for posterity. Posterity, with awe-widened eyes, who will ask- under whose government was this feat achieved? His name will echo again and again. In its grave a hundred years hence, his blushing remains will smilingly demur- Oh don’t mention…the pleasure is all mine. But no, Mr. Ojeda wants to be spoilsport and insists “I wrote it, it is mine…and I want it back.”

I cannot help noting how akin to our lot as lawyers the above scenario is. Of course it can be argued that having planted ourselves as the exclusive access to justice; we deserve the accompanying baggage, whatever the hue. We claim to be ultimate life-savers, a last act of hope tossed to the mercy of the four winds. When promises are not met, when amiable negotiations fail, and with all the possible retributions for ill-advised self-help, the lawyer becomes an option.  The client rushes in, desperate lines etched on the forehead, and pleads and begs. “I want justice!” Ever brimming with benevolence, the lawyer throws his weight in, and the client is happy. That is, before the journey to his desired destination is assessed in hard figures and charges.  Once that happens, the client alters his tune… “Pay that much?! For simply filing a few papers, papers containing my own actions, and sworn testimony, come on, I want my brief back!”

Sadly, recent events have not helped ameliorate the issue. The Law’s inadequacy is exposed, even by its foremost proponents. For instance, how long would a war-crimes tribunal or the Internal Criminal Court have spent on procedural compliance and other such lengthy considerations in the matter of the terrorist who the world had until recently been laden with? And what happened? A quick raid, a cursory announcement…closure! Such time-consuming legal concepts as sovereignty and territory were waved aside; yet justice happened…without the law!

Democracy has become a cliché. Almost every nation now practices it. The contemporary quest is now for the purest blend; a democracy where the rights of persons are held in the absolute, a situation that guarantees these rights, over and beyond even the constraints of the law. The people should say when they want to wield their rights, in what form and manner they prefer, and the lawyer has to know his place- a mere interpreter after the fact, and not the dictator of rules of engagement. It promises a glorious picture; an informal world of absolute rights and immediate redress…without the law.

It gets even better. In this ideal world, redress will be obtainable in any manner preferred by the aggrieved. A bullet to the head, a machete cut, a torched, nay… bombed house, a kidnapped spouse; remedies that truly purge one of the bitterness implanted by his enemy. Lawyers in their hypocrisy label enemies, ‘defendants’ and indulge them with a right of reply, resulting in such absurdities as reversal on Appeal. Again, please note that a right should never be reversed, it is absolute! The law had everyone chained. It removed the flesh from life, and created intellectual zombies. In the purest democracy, life will even become more valuable, because death will be merely fluctuations-in-an-enemy-temperament away.

The pure democracy does not need the State. The concept of a State is a lawyer’s creation. In the ideal world, there is no state; there is only a state of being. The lawyer in his craftiness tries to partition humans into small governable units where he can make a living off them in an arbitrary arrangement of rights and duties. He traps them into thinking that remedy for wrong is appropriate only when he dispenses it. He preaches caution and restraint, fostering a timid population easier for him to lord over. He wields a fairness-scale that ignores certain inequalities permitted by nature. Survival is not only meant for the fittest, he yells, eroding the hard-fought terrains of the strong and the fit to accommodate the weak and the lazy. Modern man thus emasculated, merely exists; a puppet navigated along every stringy whims of the law.

The signs are clear. The world is raising a new generation of free-thinkers. These will be led through the rigours of the wild fields and the wisdom of the dark streets. Their palms roundly calloused to blunt the scalding effects of taking the law in their own hands…and crushing it. Admittedly, the Law has existed these long millennia as the last hope of the common man. In the new world of a purest Democracy, there will be no common man; each man is unique, and at liberty to strike home this uniqueness, with a cudgel.

Returning to Mr. Jose Ojeda…when he scribbled the Mayday plea, he rested all his hopes on the only machinery capable of conducting the far-reaching rescue-operations that bailed him and his friends from the earth’s sepulchral bellies. But, with the mountain air wafting across his face and the dizzying ululations of a cheering throng, he rediscovered his powers to exist- to exist as an individual. His helpless submission to state lapsed, and now, he grows strong enough to possibly go toe to toe with the president, his rescuer...for stealing his cry for help.

Insightful! The tridum of State, Law and Lawyers may have built and assured the rights of people. They may have lifted them off the nightmarish visions of a Hobbesian hell and sustained certain civilization. 

But then, the vogue has changed. In the purest democracy, the people dreamily recall the wild impulses and sweetly base instincts which the fine details of the law have repressed…ostensibly for their own sustenance- and issue a resonant demand: “We want them back!”


THE END


First Published in Thisday Newspapers: May 24, 2011