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When women post
gleeful smileys of TGIF, I wonder where their excitements lie.
Surely, the prospect of merely retiring to a lengthy warm bath and heavy dinner
is not that groundbreaking; especially, when their significant dudes are
happily away to some remote joint,
drinking beer and making merry. Slowly, I have come to decipher TGIF as what it
really is in a girl’s eyes: a message of hope that someday, the dudes will finally
realize that the thrills of the day are best shared in the home. Unfortunately, they wish in vain: Boys will
always be boys. And many more tender hearts are broken, weekly.
Women will
certainly agree that it has become necessary to introduce a stricter position
to this scenario, by imposing the Law on these errant males. Given the
platform, their draft-argument will run a bit like this:
For the
purposes of this discussion, we shall view every household, whether enabled by mere
consent, traditional law or divine approval as a self-sufficient, sovereign
unit. In this regard, it shall be empowered to run its internal administration under
a strict body of regulated rules. First,
since the progress of every household is determined by how well it applies its
budget to such necessaries as food, shelter and clothing (Please Note
that this third item extends to jewelry, Brazilian hair and such other
accessories as may be in vogue); it shall be criminal for the leadership of the
household to misappropriate same in nurturing trivial habits.
Further, our
collective Rights to Life as women are consistently endangered by this habit. Yes, we
may not have minded so much in view of the correlation which alcohol has with
the male libido, but in the circumstances, robbed of their full mental comportment,
there is an application of excessive force, enough to result in grievous bodily
harm. Therefore, whenever the man becomes inebriated to the level of insanity,
we propose a temporary appointment of legal guardians (chosen to fit our secret
fantasies) to act on their behalf during the period of mental incapacity.
Also, since our
society deems it unseemly for a woman to go out at night unaccompanied by her
spouse or partner, the absence of our men on Fridays constitutes a violation to
our Rights to Free Movement. We are forced to stay indoors and watch the night
exhaust its excitements, while we suffer the tortures of Channel 114. That is when we are lucky! Because, in most cases, the
generator-fuel allowance is compromised to feed the man’s evil Friday habit,
and we are consigned to the humid darkness all night, in manifest contravention
of the Dignity of the Human Person.
The woman’s roles
as a home-maker depend solely on her right to Free Speech. Thus, in whatever
manner she prefers to act, by nagging or fretting, she should be given a platform
to exercise this, and be fairly heard too (at least within a few miles of the
neighborhood). But with the man’s fixation on alcohol, she is denied this
essential right. At that precise hour of
the Friday night when she best deploys this tool to assess the ending week, the
man snores away, drunk! He claims Freedom
of Assembly when he embarks on his unholy sojourns with a questionable
entourage of noisy friends, but we shall heed that no longer. By Law,
Free Assembly must not precipitate uprising or war. And since most of the
clashes in the household are remotely triggered by the excesses of Friday night,
it cannot be lawful to congregate over such an explosive subject matter as- drinking
beer.
We continually
suffer discrimination on the basis of sex, when the men state that they are
hanging out with the boys. We shall
no longer be silent. Most importantly, our Right to own Property (which is set
in motion by that blissful act of Shopping)
is constantly breached by Friday nights, because the cars keep getting smashed
in as the men speed drunkenly, and all the resources that could have enabled our
purchases are channeled to repairs.
Worst of all, Friday night beer
encourages our men’s association with that unwholesome sub-genre of womanhood
that walk the nights and we must fight vigorously to reclaim our rightful
places.
Therefore, we
propose that Friday Beer be pronounced illegal by Law; seeing that it is contrary
to the healthy development of family life and consequently corrupts our collective morals as a society. The only exception to
the law should be that: any man that takes
his wife, girlfriend, or partner along during Friday night hangouts for three
consecutive weekends shall become entitled to one unsupervised hangout in a
month. This concession shall however
be subject to a written representation that the hangout shall not jeopardize steady
supply of treats and gifts to the said spouse.
Defaulting men shall be ordered to pay for an exclusive 2-week holiday (inclusive of comprehensive vouchers covering
shopping and Spa) for the aggrieved spouse to facilitate her recuperation from
the emotional trauma.
In severe cases
of default, the aggrieved woman may apply and obtain a younger male escort to temporarily
carry out the usual activities of her partner for up to six months, at the end
of which period she may elect to make the transfer absolute. And if she so
elects, a larger percentage of the man’s estate shall be assigned to her on the
grounds that habitual intoxication has
rendered him incapable of administering same. It shall not be a defence that
the man is sober during the rest of the week: strong beginnings should not fritter
out to weak-ends. Moreso, no good
relationship survives in the face of bottled up desires.
TGIF!
