New Legislation: "WHORE AGAINST VIOLENCE"

Art by Suga Belly

For those who might have written this idea off as some sick joke by the Deputy Senate Leader;  Look what we found looming in the ever-busy minds of our Legislators:

A Legislative Proposal for the establishment of a "Sex Trade Development Agency"(STD-A)

 “Fellow Citizens, we have observed that the most urgent challenge facing our nation is neither the lack of shelter nor clothing, but a chronic lack of love. We hereby present this report (a result of extensive capital outlay on the best foreign and indigenous consultants) as our initial effort going forward on a most crucial matter.

First, we acknowledge your widespread applause for our most recent milestone in denouncing same-sex marriage, legally. To the minority who are still critical of the worthy step we took, we offer no apologies. But for the overwhelming majority in support, this proposed initiative comes to reward your steadfast hold to our collective value system:  We hereby propose to legalize Sex Trade in our country.

We will not bore you with the many benefits of free expression of (heterosexual) love. But chief on the list of gains is the reduction of violence. Yes! There is too much testosterone on display within our territories; thus the destructive outpourings of terrorist militancy.  In our wisdom, we have carved a fitting slogan: Whore Against Violence (WAV) to stem the tides. More so, if conducted in a well supervised environment, the Sex Trade commission will undoubtedly ensure maximum economic impact. You must agree that it is not accidental that Nigeria has always thrived on its ‘raw’ materials.

Now, to the Practical aspects-

There shall be established an Agency (the STD-A) which shall be responsible for the day-to-day Regulatory activities of the Sex Trade. Its primary function would be to issue Licenses (Or Licentious Clearance) to successful candidates. Candidates are to apply with two full-sized colour photographs, clearly detailing their bust and derriere regions; and a clear video recording to demonstrate the needed skill set. PLEASE NOTE THAT- Licenses would only be issued after comprehensive screening exercises. This is one screening, where it would be profitable to gain positive remarks from the designated panel.

For purposes of clarity, the Licenses would be divided into 4 categories:

-          TYPE A LICENSE: This would be issued to candidates who are beautiful, sexy and imaginative. Thus, expertise in the practice of Kamasutra, and the various stimulating fetishes as Leather, Spandex and PVC; Whipping and Dominatrix; Teacher versus Student; Nurse versus Patient; Policewoman-Criminal, etc. is an added advantage.

-          TYPE B LICENSE: This would be given to candidates that are beautiful and sexy; but conventional. 

-          TYPE C LICENSES will be reserved for the fat and the plain

While; the conditional TYPE D LICENSES would be for ageing candidates whose sagging skins are already mutilated by cellulite.

The life-span of each license is 2 years; and renewal is at the discretion of the Agency. Applicants are also advised to acquire self-defence trainings; as the Agency may not always be there to protect from the ire of a jealous spouse.

We must also point out here that this Agency outlaws homosexual/lesbian practitioners. It also criminalizes male practitioners and gigolos. This latter exclusion was a tough decision, but confronted by the reality that Gigolos are used mostly by wives of rich men; we had no choice. We will not shoot ourselves in the foot!

Licenses will be revoked and the holder penalized in the occurrence of any of the following events:

-          Establishment of emotional attachment with clients

-          Non-payment of license fees and sundry charges and taxes when due.

-          Extension of services to members of the same-sex.

-          Unruly Behaviour; etc.

To attain the level of global best practice spearheaded by the Netherlands and Belgium, all licensed Sex Traders (We shall henceforth call them LTs- Libido Tamers) should desist from dimly lit street corners and suspicious neighborhoods. Haggling must never be done in full public glare. We live in a webbed world and should act accordingly. Thus, negotiations should be conducted via websites and phone numbers of the LTs, through specified Booking Guidelines developed by the Agency. 

We have already started necessary processes to update our Contract Laws to accommodate the subject matter of LTs in the list of enforceable actions. Managers of Hotels and Guest Houses no longer have to look worriedly over their shoulders when a skimpily clad female saunters into their premises. If she displays her License and computer ID card, she should be entitled to a Private Suite at discounted rates.  

Necessarily, the National budget shall be widened to carve out a Special Fund for the Legislators' ‘private welfare scheme’ to finance their LTs in global trips. The daily tedium of our job makes it vital to have Upper and Lower chamber-maids. Of course, it goes without saying that licenses will be withdrawn and stiff legal means visited on any LT who knowingly attempts to blackmail a public officer that engages her services.

At the internal level, there shall be appointed for the Agency; an Executive Vice Chairman who shall be responsible for the day to day running of the Agency. There shall also be regularly made available, such emoluments and reimbursements as are necessary to bring the Agency’s activities up to speed.

Already, we welcome the inevitable influx of female opposition when this Initiative gets to the public hearing stage. Many women would say they are being used as ‘chattels’; but nothing will be further from the truth. Chattels are goods. Here, we talk, ‘services’. In truth, women only become chattels when they are actually acquired under typical bride price arrangements. So that part of our local practices is worth revisiting soon.

Under the proposed Law, women will preserve their much sought independence, and offer natural services, while maintaining gainful employment. The practice of the banks and other corporate sharks that pay them pittance to sell their bodies will be logically curbed when they discover their limitless options. And unlike the mad schedules of these banks, they will be afforded more leg-room.

We conclude by emphasizing that no married women shall be availed any category of the Licenses. It shall not be an excuse that your husband is not a sufficient breadwinner. The gods forbid that we openly promote adultery!

And, yes, on the issue of a married man patronizing the LTs, well…it will be a defence in Law to prove that your wife either starves you, or is not desirous of stepping up her nocturnal imaginations to match yours. (One of our much cherished collective values being the submission of the wife to her lord and master).

We must rest our busy pens awhile at this juncture; but need to make a final crucial point. Under this Law, LTs shall be exempted from the liabilities of unsolicited electronic correspondence. You must all agree that this practice area is all about Spam Mails.

Thank You.