Friday, 25 November 2011


Google Images

For an ageing comedian in a highly competitive market, life can get quite shitty. A fact Mr. Suwe has no further doubts about after the rigours of running the NDLEA and Press gauntlet these past weeks. But like all works of comedy; the ending is happy! 25 million is a fortune in any currency, no matter how devalued. The roar of victory is so loud that the little details of ‘Appeal’ or ‘practical difficulties in securing effective enforcement of judgment debts’ are stifled in the minds of his jubilant supporters. I try to rejoice with him, but the cynic in all lawyers rears its ugly grey head.  Yes, the NDLEA had reasonable suspicion which is  grounds enough to arrest and detain; no doubts, but they had made the whole process unlawful by not preferring a charge within the stipulated time frame. Rudimentary constitutional details known to every paralegal in the world. But when the curtains are down on this show, the habitual heavy handedness of law enforcement/security may have the last laugh. They routinely maneuver past the long winded turanchi of the courts, and if the bloody civilian plaintiff feels so bad about it; make im carry gun na! (Refer to: Miss Okere v. Nigerian Navy)

Condemnation is the easiest emotion for the human mind. This is why we remain thankful to the Law for often diluting that emotion with its myriad technicalities- until it becomes a question of mere arguments.  Definitely, the menace of terrorism awakens the most vengeful feelings; and all will rejoice to see a scapegoat landed. But tarry! the Law whispers, wagging a cautionary finger. If our emotions push us to fall so readily for claims of a man who is in the profession of blowing up cities, then there is something wrong with the society. An arrest is necessary of course; but until the facts are proven, we merely clutch at straws. And, however much we want to circle our bunched fists around the average Senator’s neck, we cannot.  That is the curse of lawyers…so we must let the Law run its curse.

Women are the weaker sex. Many believe this... to their peril. Test that fact by casually breaking up with a woman that has given you her all. It might help to make the announcement while she is in the kitchen, holding a cutting blade and standing by a panful of hot oil. Now, before we make zealous rants about the propriety of Mr. President’s treatment of the former EFCC boss, place yourself in his shoes. The woman involved here is not standing by a cooking pot, but she is highly placed in a paramilitary establishment, complete with every requisite judo/karate belts, and conceals combat reddened eyes behind black shades. You will agree then, that the radio was a safer medium to make that call. 
I would have shrugged indifferently with the rest at the turn of events (Police has never really been the lawyer’s friend); but then, I hear talk of employing retired judges to that position, and I say, a big no! Retired judges are our sacred cows. They are noble images of the profession. We would not have them mixed with the corrupting aspects of the Executive and Legislature; and at the whims of the president. No way! Let the people notoriously skilled in issues of corruption be used to bait the perpetrators. In fact, let a separate court be established for their processes, made up of police-lawyers and judges. The Law does not want to associate with the dismal fact that the country’s decade-long battle with corruption has only purchased a new phrase into our national lexicon: Plea Bargaining.

Everybody has been inspired to read about the late Apple chief; Steve Jobs. Our legislators have evidently joined the queue. At last, they seem to be learning how to pass richer Bills.  Unfortunately, they proceed with their characteristic bottoms-up approach, and we are now faced with prospects of legalizing same-sex marriage.
In the words of Wilhelm Reich, the 20th Century psychologist, a world dedicated to pursuit of bone-rattling orgasm is a world free of strife. 
In a way, he has a point. The peaceful wave of contentment that necessarily accompanies a shattering climax, if repeated frequently will turn us all into sheepish pacifists; and the world will know peace.  Now, Mr. Reich did not specify the preferred mode of the orgasm nor did he detail the ideal combination of players. A piece of ambiguity which our Laws also imbibed when stating that discrimination should never be visited to a person on grounds of “sex”. (it remains for a court to translate "sex" as herein used- either as the state of being male or female, or as the preferred modes of performing the sexual act). So while the argument rages; I helplessly stare on, mute. This is a subject where unfortunately the Law has failed to avail us with effective anal-ysis.

Well, at least it feels good to see the Vice President appear as a separate individual (as opposed to a deaf and mute attachment to the President’s apron strings) once in a while. But then, maybe it is better he remains silent, if all he does is toe that same line that will unflinchingly yield the same results. Listen to excerpts off the VP’s speech on the Privatization topic: “The objective of the Committees (a committee of already employed public officers) is to facilitate the development of the general policy direction of the government for the effective management of the privatization programme…” . (We note here that the above Committees, came in three broad categories, namely: Sector Steering Committees, Standing Committees and Ad-hoc Steering Committees).
The reticent VP continued: “You are enjoined to work assiduously to make the consummation of all transactions a reality and ensure that the privatized companies are successfully run. Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen, you are also enjoined to do your very best to ensure that the transactions are accomplished through internationally accepted best practices and standards.” Same old crap!
I was at an event recently where the idea of a Sustainable Business Incubation Project was being discussed. Everybody was vehement in their opinion that government should not be included in the stakeholder list. And if they must; they need to be given mere token roles.  Our reality makes unemployment a private matter; beyond the competence of government. So, what ends would a government-led privatization process serve? Creation of more employment for already saturated public officials? Where are the technocrats and the entrepreneurs in the Steering committees? Already, you can see that the Will is not there to drive the idea any inch beyond the stale stereotype. I’m tired already. 
Have a great Weekend


  1. Anal _ ysis! Good one!

  2. a nice one massai

  3. Kudos. Incisive piece Sir!

  4. Refreshingly humorous! Finally, a good site to cool off with after a hard day's hustle and guzzle. Good work, guys!