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The Rule is: Never take
the Law into your own hands. This means, leave it all for the Lawyers. This
should ordinarily make us excited. Well it does. But trust me, there are a few
areas we would rather you do not get us involved in.
Now, here is a quick
tour of the Briefs a Lawyer would rather not take:
1. Police Arrest for Wandering:
Yes, you are a free
citizen, entitled to freedom of movement. We know that. The Policemen know this
too. However, the possible charges they
can bring against you if you walk the nights are just so numerous that they can’t
help gambling on you now and again. It could be for smoking cigarettes in
public (PLEASE NOTE that even lawyers are not so sure of the Law on public
smoking). It could be for patronizing illicit company under the shadows. (Note
that this charge instantly accrues if your female company is not totally
swathed in an ankle length bouba. Any
slight show of flesh is incriminatory). It could be for behaviour capable of
disturbing the peace (This typically happens when after a bottle or two, you
are loudly arguing with your stroll-partners on whether Chelsea goes trophy-less
this season or not).
Now, immediately they
declare you under arrest, you fish out your phone to call your lawyer. We would
rather you did not! First, you assume that it is a convenient time for us to
appear. And of course, you will call a junior lawyer. They are not paid well
enough to drive, so they have to break their heads over the affordable cabs at
that hour. Worse still, odds are that you had run out of money, thus, the
negotiation shifts to the lawyer. A policeman in the dark with a gun is open
only to cash-based negotiations; therefore a lawyer’s rant is a wrong move.
Invariably, you are
whisked to the station. This raises a conundrum for the Lawyer. If you sleep
there overnight, you will lose all respect for him and the reputation will
spread of this kain weak lawyer wey no
even fit handle small police case. So, the Lawyer pays from his pockets. The
tag “Bail is Free” is a Constitutional hypothesis. Upon regaining your liberty,
you pay us a minuscule token: no be just
police case? Meanwhile, the lawyer’s head swims with the derisive jibes of
the officers. Nobody cuts you to size than a Nigerian policeman, trust me. So please, if you are an incurable night
crawler; try and keep a little cash for police expediencies. Let us sleep. Wake us for more profitable matters.
2. When you hit a woman’s car
Oh no! This is the worst case scenario! A
Nigerian woman is the worst person to collide with. The scale doesn’t matter:
from a microscopic dent to shattered rear-lights, it is capital offence! When
you invite us, what do you want us to say? She is stomping and yelling “I only service my car at Honda Place o,
and you must take the car there!” Of course, again, you would have called a
junior lawyer and exposed them to the lady’s scathing tongue: “Oh, you went and called a lawyer!” She
will hiss. “By the time I finish with two
of you...” (this part is said with a contemptuous sweep of bejewelled
fingers while whipping out a Samsung SIII and punching in some important
looking digits).
In cases like this, your
options are limited to apologies. And Lawyers hate apologising. Please do not
call us in at this stage. Try a little psychology instead: If she shouts way
too much; you should relax, she is probably just bluffing. But if she starts
yelling into the phone and you overhear the word “Major” or “Colonel”, well,
bear your cross bravely. We cannot help you. On the streets, uniformed men are
above the Law. Please call us instead after they had battered you and seized
your phones and car keys. It is more dignifying for us to appear in court brandishing
your fundamental rights to a sympathetic judge than being present when the
fight is at its dirtiest. The Law doesn’t soil its hands, remember?
3. When your Landlord is evicting you
Pay your rents promptly
please. Or otherwise, endeavour to get us involved at the incipient Notice
stages. Do not wait until the last minute when all negotiations have broken
down and the Landlord has employed thugs to throw you out. What would you have
us do? Fight? Plus, there are chances another lawyer is on the other side to
counter our effectiveness. You have simply brought us to be made a fool of. To
save face, we will probably end up acting as emergency sureties for you, assuring
that you will pay at a designated period. Now, we are placed on the line of
fire, with possible backlash from the NBA. Please, if you do not get us
involved at the preliminary stages, then wait until the eviction is complete.
You can even help your case by physically challenging one of the thugs. If your
face is sufficiently bruised and disfigured, our chances of securing justice
become amplified. Trust us to bring in the requisite drama in the safe haven
of the courtroom.
4. Your rascally son is expelled.
Odds are, he is in a Missionary
school and had jumped the fence to go for a party with the girls. He is
consequently expelled on both moral and disciplinary grounds. If you wish to
contest his expulsion, please do not invite us to take the Brief. How does it
sound for a lawyer to challenge constituted (and possibly divine) authority?
How do we even start positioning our arguments? We opine that the school authorities acted in unconscionable disregard of
petulant whims of a teenager? And in support, we are constrained to throw
in those sex-laced Freudian theories to justify that a teen’s excesses should
be condoned. It is a Catch 22
situation since we may also be the family’s preferred lawyer handling
everything from their land to business speculations.
So, the threat of
losing this Retainer looms. Our advice is: do not get a lawyer yet. Start by
forming a consortium of other affected parents, and then call us in as their
dignified spokesman. We would prefer to have a mediation process where the
school Principal leads talks, instead of throwing our full fire-power and
subtly teaching the kids that a lawyer can get them off every horrible nest
they stir in the future.
5. Your Visa Application is refused
Ok, so the Embassy
staff do not like the face on your passport. You probably didn’t do a good job
of concealing your desperate eagerness to escape Nigeria for good, and those
eagle-eyed snobs spotted it instantly. And you call a Lawyer in? To do what?
Petition the Ambassador or High Commissioner as the case may be? On what
grounds? Apart from the absolute defences of Diplomatic Immunity, do you really
think we share the conviction that you should force another man to host you in
his land? Our take is that you go home and bear the ill news calmly. Legal
intervention is easier availed those who travel for high-level businesses. Say
you have an invitation to a Conference on Climate Change. If your Visa is
denied, we can theatrically sermonize on the
monumental collateral loss to the global commonwealth which it could
occasion. Big words are always more dignifying.
Anything else apart
from the above? Give us a call.
Thanks
Just the simple truth brilliantly laced with humour. Massai has such uncanny ability in showing the law from the prism of a seasoned story-teller.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Uche. Keep reading the Unstarched Collar sir!
DeleteI have been stalking this blog for an update, mumbling viciously about how the next post better be good or else... well, I have been concealing my laughter at work to avoid detection due to my cyber-truancy. Great, truthful, humorous post as usual.Well done, sir!
ReplyDeleteLOL. This is one stalking that is totally welcome and legit. By all means keep it up ma'am! Thanks for reading the Unstarched Collar.
DeleteWhen I let out a loud laugh in the molue on my way home as I read this, half of my fellow occupants turned to see whether I was normal (as if their eyes would diagnose correctly my mental state). With such erudite presentation, little wonder if you'll ever lose a matter in court, that is if the judge was meant to be swayed by eloquency and fluent use of vocabulary, the chief constituents in this article. Thumbs up!
ReplyDeleteLOL and Thanks Collins. We would gladly come bail you if you are ever docked for abnormal behaviour. Keep following the Unstarched Collar!
Deletelol. So its only a bruised face that elicis action from Lawyers? Wahala dey.
ReplyDelete*elicits*
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