Friday, 3 August 2012

The Legal Arguments against Friday Beer

Credit: Google Images

When women post gleeful smileys of TGIF, I wonder where their excitements lie. Surely, the prospect of merely retiring to a lengthy warm bath and heavy dinner is not that groundbreaking; especially, when their significant dudes are happily away to some remote joint, drinking beer and making merry. Slowly, I have come to decipher TGIF as what it really is in a girl’s eyes: a message of hope that someday, the dudes will finally realize that the thrills of the day are best shared in the home.  Unfortunately, they wish in vain: Boys will always be boys. And many more tender hearts are broken, weekly.

Women will certainly agree that it has become necessary to introduce a stricter position to this scenario, by imposing the Law on these errant males. Given the platform, their draft-argument will run a bit like this:

For the purposes of this discussion, we shall view every household, whether enabled by mere consent, traditional law or divine approval as a self-sufficient, sovereign unit. In this regard, it shall be empowered to run its internal administration under a strict body of regulated rules.  First, since the progress of every household is determined by how well it applies its budget to such necessaries as food, shelter and clothing (Please Note that this third item extends to jewelry, Brazilian hair and such other accessories as may be in vogue); it shall be criminal for the leadership of the household to misappropriate same in nurturing trivial habits.

Further, our collective Rights to Life as women are consistently endangered by this habit. Yes, we may not have minded so much in view of the correlation which alcohol has with the male libido, but in the circumstances, robbed of their full mental comportment, there is an application of excessive force, enough to result in grievous bodily harm. Therefore, whenever the man becomes inebriated to the level of insanity, we propose a temporary appointment of legal guardians (chosen to fit our secret fantasies) to act on their behalf during the period of mental incapacity.  

Also, since our society deems it unseemly for a woman to go out at night unaccompanied by her spouse or partner, the absence of our men on Fridays constitutes a violation to our Rights to Free Movement. We are forced to stay indoors and watch the night exhaust its excitements, while we suffer the tortures of Channel 114. That is when we are lucky! Because, in most cases, the generator-fuel allowance is compromised to feed the man’s evil Friday habit, and we are consigned to the humid darkness all night, in manifest contravention of  the Dignity of the Human Person.

The woman’s roles as a home-maker depend solely on her right to Free Speech. Thus, in whatever manner she prefers to act, by nagging or fretting, she should be given a platform to exercise this, and be fairly heard too (at least within a few miles of the neighborhood). But with the man’s fixation on alcohol, she is denied this essential right.  At that precise hour of the Friday night when she best deploys this tool to assess the ending week, the man snores away, drunk!  He claims Freedom of Assembly when he embarks on his unholy sojourns with a questionable entourage of noisy friends, but we shall heed that no longer. By Law, Free Assembly must not precipitate uprising or war. And since most of the clashes in the household are remotely triggered by the excesses of Friday night, it cannot be lawful to congregate over such an explosive subject matter as- drinking beer.

We continually suffer discrimination on the basis of sex, when the men state that they are hanging out with the boys. We shall no longer be silent. Most importantly, our Right to own Property (which is set in motion by that blissful act of Shopping) is constantly breached by Friday nights, because the cars keep getting smashed in as the men speed drunkenly, and all the resources that could have enabled our purchases are channeled to repairs.  
Worst of all, Friday night beer encourages our men’s association with that unwholesome sub-genre of womanhood that walk the nights and we must fight vigorously to reclaim our rightful places.  

Therefore, we propose that Friday Beer be pronounced illegal by Law; seeing that it is contrary to the healthy development of family life and consequently  corrupts our collective morals as a society. The only exception to the law should be that: any man that takes his wife, girlfriend, or partner along during Friday night hangouts for three consecutive weekends shall become entitled to one unsupervised hangout in a month.  This concession shall however be subject to a written representation that the hangout shall not jeopardize steady supply of treats and gifts to the said spouse. 

Defaulting men shall be ordered to pay for an exclusive 2-week holiday (inclusive of comprehensive vouchers covering shopping and Spa) for the aggrieved spouse to facilitate her recuperation from the emotional trauma.

In severe cases of default, the aggrieved woman may apply and obtain a younger male escort to temporarily carry out the usual activities of her partner for up to six months, at the end of which period she may elect to make the transfer absolute. And if she so elects, a larger percentage of the man’s estate shall be assigned to her on the grounds that  habitual intoxication has rendered him incapable of administering same. It shall not be a defence that the man is sober during the rest of the week: strong beginnings should not fritter out to weak-ends.  Moreso, no good relationship survives in the face of bottled up desires.