Anatomy of a Lawyer

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Lawyers! Bah! A contemptible bunch the lot of them; conceited, swaggering, loud mouthed models of vainglorious pomposity.

Hatched in the pits of hell, this mutant species are sprung upon our peaceful ecosystem to wreak unspeakable mischief.

Like termites (with whom they are incidentally similarly clad) they gnaw upon the very fabrics that hold our world together with their diabolic tripod proboscis of ‘words, words and bigger words’

As a seasoned expert in the sciences, oh, that noblest of all vocations worth pursuing, I am propelled by the characteristic chivalry of my profession to rid the world forever of the perils posed by that toxic class-the gentlemen of the law!

In line with the empirical tenets of my field, the panacea for a disease can only be discovered upon detailed and accurate isolation and culturing of the pathogens that transmit it; in their various levels and mode of occurrence.

I proceed now to lay bare my findings on the obnoxious subject under review.

These loathsome changelings are actually born normal, yes, from their mothers’ wombs they proceed as ordinary enough children grow to be; bright eyed and happy, chubby and fresh coloured as they romp in the sunshine.

Let us therefore lay to rest any blames on the good Creator for the plague of Lawyers…

The transformation starts in the schools; the University precisely. Within those four walls of their Faculty of Darkness, akin to Harry Potter’s Hogwarts, the tutoring wizards and witches brew their sinister spells and mesmerize the unquestioning minds of the poor lost souls.

For a start, the children are decreed unto, to discard every trace of colour –in both mind and attire…all intellectual and sartorial imagination are brutally sacrificed for the grimness of black and white. Volumes of magic couched in the best traditions of Abracadabra are transmitted into their brains, and they are taught to repeatedly recite dubious phrases of Latinese balderdash and are tested on their memory capacity to turn out same at short notice, in examinations that reek strongly of the Spanish Inquisition.

Five long Years, the process lasts-the decapitation of their humanness, the vapourization of their hearts, the blackening of their souls.

They are drilled to understand that theirs is the only ‘pure’ race. And that they have a duty to confound, betray and ultimately destroy the rest of humanity.

Rebels against this draconian outfit are kicked out and disgraced; they are not fit and proper for the task ahead.

For the eager scholars, a special place is prepared, at the centre of Hades in the symbolic Sixth Year.

Here, they are exposed to the practical manifestations of their powers; they see how they can break homes, deny freedoms and crumble dynasties.

They revel in their ability to strike terror at the stoutest hearts with a mere glance of disapproval, they strut about in the  amphi-theatre of courtrooms, wielding their singular tool…words, words and bigger words…

In a bizarre procedure of battle, they beguile onlookers, speak in strange tongues and are guided by the untouchable apparition that presides from the Bench.

They, argue, rattle, adjourn…united in the plunder of the poor litigants…

The Good Creator gave us all brains and brawn, He meant for us to fight our own battles, but the Lawyers shriek, ‘No! Don’t take the Law into your hands!’…Yes, leave it, alongside your money in theirs…

At the end of the sixth symbolic year, with the triad of mystical feasts and muted conversations, the new creatures are decked in long flowing dark robes of sorcery, and the great grey hat of magic is placed on their heads…and our world is futher imperiled.

They are commanded to spread to all nations and damn souls.

Their successes are varied…

Some grow oily faced, double jowled and round bellied, nourished by the blood of victims whose necks bear the deadly marks of their teeth.

They clutch smugly at their brief cases…though nothing is brief about the cases they handle, because their survival is hinged on the protracted agony of their unsuspecting targets.

They recline in their glossy cars, air conditioners at full blast; it is cold comfort to be given a free ride by them, Do not be carried away.

On their golden staff of office, there are several notches, each representing the number of conquests by their hundreds.

Upon attainment of the hundredth hundred, they are conferred the title of; Wizard of the Senior category.

For the others, the nemesis of their soiled origins ropes them in the most scorching poverty.

These are hungry and lean. Their robes drape on their gaunt backs, their hats lie askew atop their misshapen heads.

No scene is more ridiculous than encountering a member of this sub-specie in a struggle to assert some dignity.

Even the big words cannot salvage them, they traverse immense distances like the lost souls they are, a myriad of lost soles of their long suffering shoes in their wake.

A pole apart, both classes are still composed of identical ingredients:

Ignorance; Yes, nothing is more reflective of utter vacuum than the cranium of a lawyer. Once the layered mist of longwinded vocabulary blows away, it exposes the emptiness underneath.

In all other fields of human endeavour, they are aliens. They gape in utter idiocy, as the expert witness makes his depositions, true or false –they cannot decipher, they know no better.

In their pitiful state, they proclaim themselves Learned…brethren let us judge, is that not the Holy Book’s portrayal of a Fool? He who knows not and knows not that he knows not…

Of course the Lawyers never read the Good Book; they only swear by it… an act it prohibits.

The second ingredient is cowardice, ah! They have it in excess, these lawyers.

Try and get a handshake from one of them (mind to scrub your hands immediately afterwards) Their fingers are soft, sweaty stubs of non-warriors.

They hide behind the statute books and judicial precedents.

They have not the guts to reply to a  mere  slap from a fellow man, instead they run sniffling to the courts screaming ‘Assault, Assault!’ pointing accusing fingers and hiding behind Daddy’s silken gown, leaving the judgment to him.

A more unfeeling set you have never seen, when calamity befalls through an  accident and claims a life…instead of wailing their hearts out like honest folks do in emotional distress, the lawyer stares dry eyed and scribbles the list of torts and contributory liabilities ,corresponding liquidated and unliquidated damages, further forfeitures and penalties…

While we pray for the dead, they prey on their estate, the vultures!

I am working with a team of the most reputable scientists from various nations, we have isolated the pathogens and cultured the germs, we are making progress.

We shall soon come up with a fool-proof fumigant to chase this vermin from our air space, it shall be labeled ANARCHY.

I rest my thesis.


First Published in Thisday Newspapers: December 9, 2008