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My mind’s made up; I am
going back to litigation! I was at one of those ‘Legal’ conferences where the
only thing that kept you awake was the very struggle to keep your eyes open
amidst the bland, jargon-ridden chunks of verbosity. The massive attendance showed
the extents lawyers can go, to get a good sleep. In my quest for more animate diversion,
I picked up the programme of events again; puckering my brows in studied
concentration for the benefit of the present speaker whose eyes for some
uncanny reason always fell on me. The programme promised more hours of speeches
and roundtable discussions ahead, nightmare! But wait, one item stood out of
the long list of dreary events, directly aligned to Lunch. (Talk of peas in a
pod) It was also the simplest term on the entire document: NETWORKING…hmmm…
Unconsciously, my eyes
skimmed the crowd to gauge the prospects along that line. Directly beside me
was a bunch of oldies in ill tailored jackets, scribbling away and nodding furiously
in turns at the speaker’s every monotone. I had blanked them out entirely when
they broke into a noisy argument before the start of the event, referring to
exact subsections of the constitution complete with paraphrases of judicial
decisions with respect to the culpability or otherwise of a certain cradle-snatching senator. It was too
late to switch seats, so I carried my cross.
Craning my neck a little more to
the left, I scanned the entire venue past some gum chewing bulky female
seniors, and a prematurely balding personage who had unashamedly surrendered to
the more alluring tunes of Morpheus,
until my eyes rested on wow! (So they still craft lawyers this good?) Four
well-attired, cute young ladies. They were looking on with bored looks and I immediately
felt some kindred spirit…we definitely shared a common network.
The longest three hours
in my life finally limped to an end and the MC who packed an incredible array
of arid jokes announced the glorious duo: ‘Lunch and Networking!’
I must have pushed
myself through to the exit away from the stifling legal air as the varied aroma
of lunch wafted through. (I’m still stuck in this profession probably just because
lawyers have never failed to dine and wine right.) However, gluttony was not my
sole motivation this time; I also strove to sit on the same table with people
whose appearances (and chit-chat) will go down well with the dishes, I
therefore steered clear of the fat, the old and the male!
I made a show of queuing up with the rest, but all
the while combing the tables…over there, two Senior Advocates pumping their
hands furiously, no way! One of them had earlier made a joke about a separate
buffet to be reserved for the gents of the inner bar. SANs…don’t they just make
you silk!
Thankfully, I espied
the dames again, hmmm…good smiles to go with the gleaming ensemble, I wasn’t
missing that. I stalked and stalked, until I got to their table. Tables were
laid for ten people, so I had adequate easement. Immediately the good ladies
sat down, I made my grand appearance. I will not bore you with details of my
moulded-to-a perfect-fit Canali suit
and classy pocket hanky tailored in consonance with my tie. Ok, the shoes had
seen better days, but fortunately the ladies were apparently not the sort to
look down on people as they kept their glances above the table cloth. ‘Please is that seat taken?’ I couldn’t
believe I was able to conjure that velvety baritone from my voice box.
I have never been an expert on women, but damn me if I did not see general flickers of interest on their eyebrows. I ate silently for some minutes listening to their polished exchanges, (food never digested better), trying to decide the ideal manner to inroad into their conversation. From their gist I found out they were colleagues, on internship from Law School. I could tell the dizzying effect my introduction would have on their green horns: I am attached to the Conflict Resolution Unit of an International Corporate Practice focused on borderless negotiations…but the opportunity never came as three breezy young (male!) lawyers pulled out seats and sat with us.
I have never been an expert on women, but damn me if I did not see general flickers of interest on their eyebrows. I ate silently for some minutes listening to their polished exchanges, (food never digested better), trying to decide the ideal manner to inroad into their conversation. From their gist I found out they were colleagues, on internship from Law School. I could tell the dizzying effect my introduction would have on their green horns: I am attached to the Conflict Resolution Unit of an International Corporate Practice focused on borderless negotiations…but the opportunity never came as three breezy young (male!) lawyers pulled out seats and sat with us.
They introduced
themselves and proceeded to shake the ladies’ hands!…I gasped and turned,
expecting to see the ladies recoil at this classless display, considering that
I, their longer acquaintance, had done the gentlemanly thing of waiting
patiently… (Albeit unsuccessfully) for that physical honour. But to my horror,
the girls warmly returned the greeting, all smiles. Within the minute, the
table became a flurry of arguments and one-liners, and these invaders monopolized
every subject. One of the girls couldn’t help gushing ‘Hilarious! This table was so dull before you guys joined, it now feels
like there are lawyers here, what area of practice are you guys into…?’ I
was deserted…even before the last
course.
‘What
else do lawyers do?’ grinned the most odious of the toxic
trio, a lanky fellow called Wale. ‘We go
to court’
I had to interject here
‘Come on, you guys have to be joking, we
all know that’s archaic thinking, Law has grow beyond the courts. I’ve never
been in one myself…’
‘Go
and sit down, my friend’ another countered, ‘That is what you so-called corporate
lawyers deceive yourselves with. Listen, the teacher’s place is in school, the
lawyer’s in court, period!’ I could feel the blood pounding on my face at
this nursery logic, but, relax it! The girls had to see who the better man was.
‘I
disagree’ I forced the bile down. ‘The contemporary world is more business minded; we are even leaving
the courts for arbitration. Where does
that leave you guys with your lengthy pleadings, affidavits and motions?’ I
took another five minutes to educate them on how the International Conflict
Resolution sphere was the next best thing and how our firm was a pace setter…
until bursts of derisive merriment cut me short.
‘Our
point exactly!’ screamed the third of the pack. ‘Contemporary world, International pace-setting,
blah blah blah…impressive phrases
that corporate lawyers deploy to conceal their cowardice in the face of real cerebral
battle…Litigation is the ultimate
test of your legal abilities. We did not major in business negotiations; we are
trained gladiators for the intriguing clash of legal minds in the temples of
justice. Why do we have senior advocates, not senior solicitors? The law doesn’t solicit. As far as Mother Justice is
concerned, we are her legitimate children, corporate lawyers are strays…’
‘Rubbish’,
I snarled trying to drown the sudden applause coming from the girls. ‘It is not true at all! You litigation
hustlers are the ones that routinely insult the profession, with your unsought solicitations.
The comfort zone of outdated courts shield you from the real world…you hide
behind adjournments and preliminary objections as an excuse for a life of barely
disguised idleness, spitting sections of laws you memorize more out of sheer
habit than any independent thought process…’
‘And
I suppose independent thought process means indiscriminate downloading of
precedent books in drafting agreements, sipping coffee and biscuits in airy
rooms while confusing poor business owners with untested legal opinions in the
form of ‘corporate advice?’ Wale was enraged now. The equivalent of a Senior Advocate in
corporate practice is the Company Secretary, and then what does the company
secretary even do, apart from filling in templates from the Corporate Affairs Commission?...You
know that you are not worthy to wear the wig and the gown, it scares the guts out
of you… (Wait let me finish!) Can you face a judge? In your business you are counsel and judge at the same time, and your clients don’t know any better.
Every day, in front of our clients, we pass
through intensive intellectual scrutiny from the astute Bench and come out
better lawyers, dedicated to the time long intendment of the legal profession…advocating
for justice within the specified ambit. You talk of being in conflict resolution,
without force of law? Let the day come that the court’s powers are completely
ousted in any agreement and I will eat my wig- which by the way, will grow silken
in just a few more years. And all the attendant privileges that accrue to a
worthy son of the learned vocation shall remain elusive to you as long as you
continue betraying our hallowed tenets on the altar of immediate financial
gratification.’ He turned to the increasingly enraptured ladies. ‘Never trust them, with their oily suaveness;
see how he silently sat here all along, mind full of scheming. Typical
corporate shark I tell you! It took honest, open-faced folks like us to make
you start enjoying your lunch. Frankness is our key word! Real Lawyers are real
men…corporate lawyers are sissy!’
‘The girls were nodding
vigorously now in hypnotic worship. ‘Real
lawyers are real men…wow!’ I heard one whisper to her friends with a dazed
expression, as the three men drew out their call-cards which the girls
scrambled to grab. ‘Give us a call
anytime, legal action always speaks louder than words…’
The bell signaling the
end-of lunch/networking chimed, and the tables emptied. I stared at my hands… I
had grabbed their call-cards as well. (Sometimes i just hate myself!)
END
First published in Thisday Newspapers: June 8, 2010
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